A List of Canadian Terrors Awaiting Meghan and Harry

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Meghan Markle and Prince Harry might be moving to Canada, and if so, they should be terrified — at least according to the Daily Mail. “Welcome to Canad-argh! Psychopathic bears, vampire flies, and gut-busting cuisine … these are just some of the perils Harry and Meghan will face in their new home,” reads an incredibly long headline in the U.K. tabloid, which has seemingly exhausted every other avenue of dire Meghan-Harry content. (Last week they insinuated that the couple’s decision to step back from the royal family had led the queen to wear a hearing aid for the first time.)

And these aren’t the only horrors that await the Sussexes in their frigid northern home. As the writer of the article reveals: “I once thought that being editor of this illustrious title might help me get a table at a popular restaurant in Toronto. Big mistake. I waited so long that in the end I might as well have flown back to London.”

Mon Dieu! Here are some other things Harry and Meghan should be afraid of:

- Falling down Niagara Falls
- Choking on a Tim Hortons honey cruller
- Tapping a maple tree and drowning in a flash syrup flood
- Trampled by a Mountie
-Lampooned on This Hour Has 22 Minutes
- Getting too high on legal weed
-Rider Nation declares sovereignty
-Beer store out of two-fours
- Conscripted into Degrassi reboot
- Developing hypochondria from abundance of free doctors’ visits
- Violent snow fight trying to resolve a dispute
- PTSD from seeing Harry’s grandma on all the money
- Sitting through bad Second City improv show
- Being invited to a Nickelback concert; too polite to say no
- Slipping and falling after walking onto a hockey rink
- Caught in violent Montreal street riot after Canadiens lose (or win)
- Could run into Drake
- Suits revival

A List of Canadian Terrors Awaiting Meghan and Harry