Champagne Facials on a Bachelor Budget

Kelsey and Peter, before the Incident. Photo: abc

Hello, and welcome back to the Cut’s Bachelor recap. We have no time to waste because, as you’ll recall, last week we ended on a cliffhanger: Peter took eight girls on a group date where Hannah Brown told the story about her and Peter having sex in a windmill again. The girls were like, Uh, this is awkward, and then Hannah was like, Actually, Peter, I think I still have feelings for you, and Peter was like, I mean … Do you want to come back to the house? And that’s where we left things.

So, does Hannah Brown come back??? The short answer is no. At least not for now. After she cries in Peter’s lap for a little while, Peter says he can’t do this (maybe because filming conflicted with Hannah’s Dancing With the Stars schedule). He wipes the glitter from her dress off of his crotch and returns to the other women.

Last week, before crying with Peter, Hannah Brown sent the other women away to write down a personal sex story or fantasy to tell in front of a live audience. So, for the past few hours, while Hannah Brown and Peter have been sorting out their feelings for each other, the women have been hunched over pieces of paper writing things like, “My ex-boyfriend was a circus clown and this one time, we were fucking in his clown car, and then halfway through we realized another clown was in there, and anyway, that’s how I had my first threesome.” Or whatever. I don’t know what their sex stories are. And I never will, because after talking with Hannah, Peter comes out and tells the women that he’s not in the right headspace for this activity, and he’s gonna cut the date short, but he’ll talk to them at the cocktail party. The women are furious. Unfortunately, knowing that they’re standing there holding notes that say, like, “I can’t climax unless I hear at least six bars of ‘Yakety Sax’” makes this scene unbearably funny, and I simply couldn’t stop laughing.

The girls and their sex stories. When will we ever see them? Photo: abc

At the cocktail party for the doomed group date, the women are all still mad. Again, understandably. Imagine going through a lengthy application process to find love on national television, only to find out that one of the producers’ big story lines is gonna be whether the guy you’re trying to win over is still in love with his ex. I would be pissed. Peter deals with the women’s anger by giving them all lots of compliments, and making out with them. This seems to work well. Someone named “Sydney,” who I don’t remember from last episode, wins the group date rose. Good for her, whoever she may be.

The group date returns to the house, and then it’s time for another cocktail party. Enter Kelsey. Kelsey absolutely loves love. To prove it, she brought a bottle of Champagne with her on the show that she’s had for a year. She was saving it for a special occasion, and this is it. She’s giddy, she can’t wait. She sets the bottle up in front of a fireplace, with a couple of glasses and a blanket. So romantic. Oh boy, here we go. But — wait … Qu’est-ce-que the hell is this? Mykenna swoops in and talks to Peter before Kelsey can get to him, even though Mykenna already made out with Peter, and Kelsey has barely talked to Peter at all! How could Mykenna do that to Kelsey? Kelsey wonders. Instead of just going to get her time with Peter, though, Kelsey chooses to confront Mykenna. Peter, meanwhile, makes out with either Madi or Hannah Ann, I still can’t tell them apart.

Wow, tough night for Kelsey. At least she still has that special Champagne, right? Wrong!! While Kelsey is wasting her time telling the other girls how excited she is about her special Champagne, she hears a festive Pop! and a cheer. A dark shadow passes over her face. Maybe it wasn’t her Champagne, the other girls coo, but Kelsey knows it was. She lived with it for a year, after all. She gets up to see for herself, and sure enough, there’s Peter with Hannah Ann (I think), enjoying Kelsey’s special Champagne, oh my fucking God.

Kelsey, to put it mildly, loses her shit. She sobs in the bathroom, and accuses Hannah Ann of opening her special bottle of Champagne on purpose. How could Hannah Ann do that to Kelsey? Kelsey wonders. Eventually, the producers manage to get her another bottle of Champagne to open with Peter. Here’s how that goes:

Oh no, Kelsey. Photo: abc

Poor Kelsey. Has she completely ignored Peter in favor of fighting with her fellow contestant? Yes. Is she good at this game? No. But I do hope she finds what she’s looking for in life, and I’m glad that producers will surely keep her on for a few episodes to stir up drama. God bless.

Let’s take a look at that pic again.

:( Photo: abc

Indeed, Kelsey does live to fight about Champagne another day, receiving Peter’s last rose at the Rose Ceremony. Three girls I’ve never seen before in my life are eliminated. Best of luck to them.

Isn’t it wild how one single episode of The Bachelor is a full two hours long and our time on this planet is so short? Anyway.

The next morning in the mansion, Tammy ominously misquotes Fall Out Boy, announcing: “Sugar, something’s about to go down.” What is about to go down is a group date, where eight girls are taken to walk in a runway show for Revolve, picking one daytime outfit and one evening outfit to walk in. Former Queer Eye for the Straight Guy star Carson Kressley and America’s First Model Janice Dickinson are also there, though their primary role seems to be as filler models rather than advisers to the women.

While the girls get their outfits ready, we learn that Victoria F. has self-esteem issues, and Hannah Ann loves newsboy caps — two incredibly sad pieces of information. Peter opens the runway in an outfit composed of 24 layered jackets, and then the women come out in the outfits they picked, each of which looks like how a warm Malibu and coke at a freshman college-dorm party tastes. Insecure Victoria F. and sexy chimney sweep Hannah Ann are named the top two, and have a final walk off, which Hannah Ann wins.

At the after-party, Victoria F. is still sobbing about how insecure she is around the other girls, and Peter consoles her in the only way he seems to know how — by Frenching her.

While they make out, the Champagne drama rears its sparkling, soaked face again, only this time, it’s Hannah Ann who’s mad. She feels like Kelsey was bullying her, and she goes to tell Peter about it. Like one of those “X Days Since Our Last Accident” signs in a warehouse that you just know is about to be reset to zero, Kelsey proudly announces to the camera that it’s been two nights since she last cried. When Peter finishes consoling and making out with Hannah Ann — who, in a brilliant strategic move, has positioned herself as the victim here, even though she’s clearly one of the favorites — he goes to tell off Kelsey. Kelsey tries in vain to defend herself, and someone somewhere erases the “2” on a sign that now reads, “0 Days Since Kelsey’s Last Cry.”

Tune in next week to find out where the Champagne drama will take us next, if Peter’s tongue can withstand the exertion of all that Frenching, and if I’ll ever be able to tell Madi/Hannah Ann apart.

Champagne Facials on a Bachelor Budget