Have you ever wished you could wave a magic wand and just obliterate your sex drive forever? Maybe the person you want to bang doesn’t want to bang you back, or you’re single on Valentine’s Day, the most obnoxious day of the year, and don’t want to be reminded of all the sex you could be having. Or maybe you’re just tired of all your friends making fun of you for thinking Adam Sandler is hot, or you need something to dampen your partner’s drive if they want to have sex and you don’t — really, the possibilities are endless. We’re not miracle workers over here, but if you’re in a fix, here’s a list of movies so awkward, gross, and terrifying they might make you never want to have sex ever again. (Spoilers ahead!)
1. Midsommar (2019)
While the premise of last summer’s blockbuster is a little bit sexy (woman gets revenge on bad boyfriend), the rest of the film is decidedly not. The movie climaxes with a drug-fueled fertility ritual in which two people have sex on a bed of flowers while a mob of naked women cheer them on (and occasionally offer a helpful push on the dude’s butt). Can you imagine the pressure?
2. The Room (2003)
If you enjoy watching terrible movies for fun, you’re probably already familiar with the cult hit The Room — not to be confused with the also unsexy movie Room — a puzzling and poorly acted movie about one man’s demise after his girlfriend cheats on him. It’s one of the most uncomfortable movies ever made, so naturally it also has a very long, uncomfortable sex scene (two if you account for the fact that the exact same sex scene plays later in the movie). And that scene has everything: some sensual foreplay with a long-stemmed rose, a puzzling waterfall effect that’s supposed to be sultry, and multiple shots of director Tommy Wiseau’s bare ass as he appears to thrust into his co-star!
3. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Hear me out: This movie is supposed to be about the mysterious, overwhelming power of sex and how it drives everything we do, yet it somehow just makes sex and sexuality seem a little overhyped. Was Nicole Kidman’s character really that overwhelmed by a hot sailor she saw on vacation? And was Tom Cruise’s character really so bothered by this revelation that he needs to go sniff around the murderous sex Illuminati? Sometimes it takes an artistic genius like Stanley Kubrick to show you when eros just isn’t worth it.
4. Watchmen (2009)
I’m not convinced anyone remembers anything else about this adaptation of the 1987 comic book, and for good reason: Things come to a screeching halt when Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” starts playing and two superheroes called Nite Owl II and Silk Spectre II start having vigorous sex in a spaceship. Is there any bigger boner-killer than setting a sex scene to a song you’ve heard way too many times? (And as a little bonus, the scene concludes when Silk Spectre gets so worked up she hits some button that releases a spurt of fire — subtle!)
5. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
If the other movies haven’t done the trick, it’s time to pull out the big guns. Rosemary’s Baby is genuinely terrifying, in the how can you be really sure you’re not carrying the spawn of Satan kind of way. Mia Farrow plays a young housewife who becomes impregnated by the Devil after her husband and witch neighbors drug her and conduct an occult ritual. This is followed by months of strange pains and endless lies from everyone around her as the Devil-fetus sucks as much life out of her as it can. Good luck fantasizing about anything carnal after that!