I’ve found the ideal thing for your ex to do after dating you: date Lady Gaga.
I have the New York Times opinion section to thank for this groundbreaking revelation. On Thursday, Lindsay Crouse, a senior staff editor for the Times’ opinion page, blessed us with an essay on her employer’s website about what it was like to discover that Lady Gaga is currently dating her ex, who — though she doesn’t identify him — we know to be a Harvard finance guy named Michael. She recounts what it was like to see him initially labelled a “mystery man” in the tabloids, writing, “I dated this normal, mystery man for seven years. Our relationship lasted all of college, and then a few years more. (A popular song from back then described being ‘caught in a bad romance.’)” She said she found the news “confounding” at first, but gradually felt okay about it, even going so far as to channel the spirit of her ex’s new girlfriend by making better fashion choices and leaning into her ambition.
We all have our ways of dealing with an ex dating a pop star. So I started to think about what my life would be like if one of my exes entered into a romantic relationship with Lady Gaga. A pleasant melting sensation began to flood my body as I imagined them holding hands on the red carpet or spooning on a yacht — what was it? My friends, it was relief.
There are so many ways in which this scenario would play to my favor. Maybe to yours too? Just imagine it. If your ex starts dating Lady Gaga, he is far gone, buh-bye, see ya, so long — your ex belongs to Lady Gaga now and follows her from Lake Como to Dubai. Which also means he will never be at the same party as you again. Nobody you know is personally acquainted with his girlfriend. Sometimes you nostalgically skim a People magazine in the checkout line; it’s really no different than if he had moved to Montana and started a blog. He shall suffer the ignominy of being compared to Bradley Cooper in a cowboy hat for all his days.