Hello, and welcome back. It feels like just seconds ago we were all together, discussing the tear- and tongue-based exploits of Pilot Peter and the women competing for his love. And we were. The last episode was on Monday, and it was three hours long. Then, for reasons that remain a mystery, there was another episode on Wednesday night that was two hours long. Five hours of the Bachelor in a week. Are our personal, professional, and spiritual lives starting to suffer as we continue to neglect them for the sake of this show? Perhaps. But, as Peter says over and over again, it’s so important to trust the process.
On Wednesday’s episode, Peter and the girls flew from Costa Rica to Santiago, Chile. Peter opens by announcing that the 22 stitches he got to treat his golf-cart injury have been removed, and in a week, the bandage on his forehead will be gone. As you might recall, he split open his head when he bonked it into a golf cart and then back into a glass he was carrying, and, if you don’t recall, there is footage of the event.
Peter says he hopes all of the drama from this week is behind them, which is a lie. Peter is a messy boy who lives for drama, and while that quality makes me deeply suspicious of him as a human and as a licensed commercial-airline pilot, it also makes him an effective reality-TV star. This week, though, he’s pretending to be really serious about finding a wife. So serious, in fact, that on his one-on-one date with Hannah Ann, the Sonic Drive-In model, he stops making out with her just long enough to express concern that, at 23, she might be too young for marriage (Peter is all of 28). Over dinner that night, he tries to get to know her better, asking what her hopes and dreams are, and whether she’s ever been in love. In response, she offers: “So many people want to stay, like, in the shallow waters of life, and you’ll only catch minnows in the shallow waters. And for me, I’m like, ‘Let’s go deep.’”
Somehow, that doesn’t clear things up for Peter, and he goes outside to think. Hannah Ann, probably at a producer’s suggestion, starts crying half-heartedly and follows him outside. When he sees her tear-smudged mascara, Peter’s face lights up and he says, “This is what I want to see.” They make out more, and Peter gives her a rose. That Peter is so horny for women’s tears is deeply troubling, and an enormous red flag, and we should probably move on.
Back at the house, the women get two date cards. The first is for the week’s group date, and the second is for the week’s second one-on-one date, which will be with Victoria F.! Who has already had a one-on-one date! This news is incredibly upsetting to some of the girls, especially Mykenna, who threatens to leave, and takes over as the week’s resident crier while Champagne Kelsey rehydrates from her week of nonstop sobbing in Costa Rica.
Mykenna doesn’t leave, of course, and the next day the women all go to the set of a telenovela for their group date with Peter. They all get assigned characters to film an episode of the fake soap opera, El Amor de Pedro. Mykenna says she really identifies with her character, the maid, who Pedro (Peter) ignores most of the time. Kelley, who’s just here for a good time, and continues to have the vibe of someone who smoked an enormous bowl before going on-camera, plays Pedro’s grandmother, and goes off script to try to seduce him. “At the end of the day, I think I’m just gonna say incest is best,” she laughs backstage, in her old-lady wig. God, I love Kelley so much. When things inevitably end between her and Peter, because she’s too mature and self-actualized, I hope she calls me.
At the group-date cocktail party that night, Mykenna cries some more. Victoria P. says she really needs to talk to Peter, and wears glasses to show how serious she is. When she gets time with him, she snuggles into his lap, and talks about how she has distanced herself from him since the Alayah drama, but she’s ready to jump back in. But Peter isn’t into it. He says he can’t picture her as his wife and asks her to leave. “It hurts ME right now,” he tells her. “I don’t want you to be concerned by my feelings,” Victoria P. replies, even though Peter had just expressed concern for himself and not her.
Spurned by Peter, Victoria P. leaves in a huff. Peter tells the girls, and says it was a hard decision, but soothes himself in his usual way — by making out with people.
The next day, Peter goes on his date with Victoria F., now the only Victoria on the show. He says running into her “ex” (country singer Chase Rice, who she hooked up with once, and whose number Peter got) detracted from their last one-on-one date, which is why she needs a second one. They ride horses together, and make out, but then Victoria F. says she’s having a really hard time being here and watching him date other girls. Peter says he needs to know that she can handle this process, and Victoria F. says she’s putting up walls against him and she doesn’t know why. They argue about it more over dinner. Victoria F. goes to sob in the bathroom, and it’s all very boring so I zoned out for a while, imagining how peaceful it would be to get high with Kelley and watch old episodes of Planet Earth. Anyway, Peter and Victoria F. make up and she gets a rose.
The last dramatic beat of the episode is a two-on-one date with Mykenna and Tammy. They have been fighting this whole episode, with Tammy questioning whether Mykenna is here for the right reasons and Mykenna sobbing. “Enough is enough,” Peter writes on the date card.
Their date isn’t even really a date as much as it’s a disciplinary meeting with the school principal. They show up early to the cocktail party, and Mykenna tearfully delivers to Tammy a defiant, impassioned speech about how “You made me found [sic] my damn voice,” and how “Kindness wins. Love wins. Bringing people down never wins.” Tammy just rolls her eyes, and then tells Peter that Mykenna is only here to build her brand. Mykenna tearfully tells Peter she has real feelings for him. She and Tammy then have the following exchange, which, if anyone in the world actually understands and appreciates great art, will someday be performed onstage by Meryl Streep (as Mykenna) and Dame Judi Dench (as Tammy).
Tammy: It really makes me sick that people like you come in here trying to brand themselves, and the next thing you’re looking for is just the hashtag.
Mykenna: Lies, lies, lies.
Tammy: Can I finish?
Mykenna: Yeah, go ahead.
Tammy: I truly feel bad for you.
Mykenna: I feel bad for you. Hope he watches over and see [sic] who you really are, honey. I’m not the villain of this season, honey.
Tammy: That’s not what I’m even concerned about. But you are.
Mykenna: Shut up. Like, honestly, I just can’t deal with you anymore. I gotta stand up for myself now. I can’t deal with you … You are nothing to me, girl. Nothing.
Tammy (scoffing): I’m everything.
After their talk, Peter says he believes Mykenna is here for the right reasons and sends Tammy home. But then, at the rose ceremony, he ends up sending Mykenna home anyway. Can you believe we’ve watched five hours of The Bachelor this week? Kelley, DM me and we can talk about how silly that is.