the bachelor

Peter Hates Fun

Peter, confused by someone being chill. Photo: ABC

Hello and welcome back to the Cut’s Bachelor recap. Before we begin, something to keep in mind: Pilot Pete knows we’re all mad at him. “I’m definitely getting some tough skin now,” he told E! News last week. “I understand that there’s a lot of drama right now and things are kind of crazy, but I do think it’s a little … it’s too bad a lot of the criticism and a lot of hate that’s kind of been coming out.”

Indeed, Peter’s season so far has been a mess. Early on, he teased the possibility of bringing back Hannah Brown; he eliminated Alayah, and then brought her back, and then eliminated her again; he ignored dozens of women in favor of focusing solely on petty dramas; and he split his own forehead open on a cocktail glass. Get it together, man.

But now, Peter is really serious, okay? He tells this to the remaining six girls at their hotel in Lima, Peru, where they’re staying this week. He says again that he’s so nervous about getting to the end of this process, only to have the girl he chooses say she’s not ready. Which, yeah. Imagine getting dumped on national TV for a second time? Embarrassing. The girls are also nervous about whether they’re on the same page with Peter. Well, most of them are. Kelley feels fine and hopes she’ll see some alpaca while they’re in Peru.

Peter’s first one-on-one date is with Madison, who I can mostly tell apart from Hannah Ann now (Madison’s hair and eyelashes are longer). She and Peter go to a little fishing village together, and talk about how much they missed each other, and Peter shows off that the bandage on his Harry Potter scar was removed. They seem genuinely very into each other, and it’s sweet.

Peter and Madison, in love. Photo: ABC

Back at the house, though, the other girls have their doubts. Kelsey points out that Madison hasn’t brought up the extent of her faith to Peter. Will that be a deal-breaker? Madison brings up her faith over dinner, delivering a long, impressive soliloquy about how important religion and family are to her. “Faith is my whole life, it’s all of who I am,” she says. When she finishes, Peter stares at her blankly, and replies: “I hear that.”

An underwhelming response, which he makes up for by telling her that — oh my God — he’s falling in love with her! Madison is the first girl he’s told this to. So far, the only other major proclamation he’s made was telling Sydney she was the best kisser in the house, but unfortunately, even her Frenching skills didn’t save her. Madison is luckier though, and gets a rose, which means Peter will be visiting her hometown next week.

The next day, Peter goes on another one-on-one date with Natasha, the only woman in the house who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date so far. His date card said, “Vamos a explorar,” which means, as Kelsey helpfully suggested to Natasha, “Let’s explore, right?” The place they explore is Lima’s Plaza de Armas. They eat arroz con leche, buy cute stuffed llamas, and dance. They generally look like they’re having a good time, but in a way that feels extremely forced, like when your mom buys you a sweater you don’t like, and you try to hide your disappointment by being overly grateful. Peter says he sees Natasha as more of a friend than anything, and over dinner, he sends her home.

The next one-on-one date is with Champagne Kelsey, who isn’t sobbing so much anymore. She and Peter drive up a mountain in ATVs, and Peter is wearing cargo pants, which is his legal right. Peter makes Kelsey run to the top of a mountain, and when they collapse, winded, says that this is exactly what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Ugh, can you imagine? To shut him up, Kelsey straddles him and they make out on the mountainside. Over dinner, Kelsey tells Peter about her complicated family dynamics, and he gives her a rose.

Kelsey trying to shut Peter up. Photo: ABC

Between dates, we see the remaining girls at home, in various stages of meltdown. In yoga leggings and sports bras, they cry and chew their nails, and express concern about the state of their relationships with Peter. Except for Kelley, who feels great. She’s still enjoying her all-inclusive vacation, and she feels confident about her relationship with Peter, although she’s annoyed that she was lumped into a three-on-one date with Hannah Ann and Victoria F., because how can you compare her to Hannah Ann and Victoria F.? After all, she says, Hannah Ann’s fontanelle has just barely closed, and Victoria F. is “always breaking down and crying.”

“I should be fine,” she shrugs.

Probably because she doesn’t give a fuck about the show, Kelley is painted as the villain of this episode, even though she’s absolutely not. She’s just a lady having a good time — or trying to, at least, until producers come and interrupt her vacation. Kelley, Hannah Ann, and Victoria F. meet Peter at this hacienda, where he takes them aside one by one to talk. Hannah Ann goes first, and while Victoria F. runs away to cry and hyperventilate, Kelley kicks back on a wicker couch, smiling. “I’ll be napping here!” she says to Hannah Ann and Peter’s retreating forms.

Kelley, having a good time.

Because she saw how well tears worked for her last week, Hannah Ann immediately starts crying with Peter, which he, of course, loves. She also shares with him a list she wrote of reasons why she’s starting to fall for him, like a reverse Marriage Story. The reasons include that Peter makes time for her, even though that time is producer mandated, and that there’s no one like him.

Obviously, Hannah Ann’s going to get a rose, but to build suspense, Peter doesn’t give her one right away. Instead, he goes to talk to Kelley, who has presumably been smoking a joint and listening to lo-fi beats while he was gone. Kelley explains that she’s confident, because she’s on a different emotional level than the other girls. But therein lies her fundamental misunderstanding of Peter. He doesn’t want someone more emotionally advanced, he wants DRAMA. She says that not every relationship needs to be hard, it can just be easy and fun, and Peter absolutely hates that. “I know that you hate that I use the word ‘fun,’” Kelley laughs. “I kinda do,” Peter says.

He’s much more comfortable with the chaotic energy of Victoria F., who immediately starts fighting with him when he pulls her aside. What is upsetting her is unclear. Victoria F. says Peter is always in a mood, and Peter says Victoria F. is always attacking him, and their whole exchange is truly toxic and unhealthy, but Peter eats it up, and gives Victoria F. a rose. Remember how she modeled for that company that used white-supremacist slogans on their clothes? Anyway, she’s getting a hometown date.

Unsurprisingly, Peter gives the last rose to Hannah Ann, who responds by fake crying in a really bananas way that makes her sound like a car stalling in the driveway. Kelley gets sent home, and spends her whole car ride bad-mouthing Peter, which is great. God, I love her so much.

“I have no idea why I’m in this car. Does it suck? Yeah. Do I agree with it? No,” she says, deadpan. She calls the remaining four girls “little babies,” and adds that Peter is “not able to sit there and make decisive decisions, and that’s on him. I don’t really want him to waste my time either. Thank you for not coming to meet my family.”

Kelley at least got the vacation she wanted, and I’m happy for her.

Tune in next week, when Madison tells Peter she’s saving herself for marriage, Hannah Ann might have a new crying performance to try out, and Peter and Victoria F. will surely still be fighting.

Peter Hates Fun