How to Deal With Your TV Boyfriend Boning Other Women

Hannah Ann. Photo: Courtesy of ABC

As the sun set on the airplane hangar of love in Camarillo, California, last week, a frisson of excitement and nerves coursed through the three remaining Bachelor contestants (probably), and me (definitely). Hometown visits were over, and Peter “Give Me Drama or Give Me Death” Weber had, for some reason, sent home Champagne Kelsey and kept sentient red flag Victoria F., who, as you might recall, once modeled for a brand that used white-supremacist slogans on their clothes. Hannah Ann and Madison were also still around. Now, it was time for fantasy suites.

Fantasy suites, for those unfamiliar, are when the Bachelor and the women competing for their heart finally get to do “it.” (Sex.) I mean, they don’t have to have sex, obviously, but it’s the first time the couples get to spend the night together in a romantic suite without any producers and cameras around, and the show provides them with reams of condoms. What they then do with this off-camera condom time is up to them, but mostly it’s sex.

Fantasy suite week is always somewhat fraught, because it’s uncomfortable for most contestants to know that the person they’re humping for the first time on national TV is also boarding the U.S.S. Bonetemkin with two other people the same week. This season, though, is especially charged, because Madison, in accordance with her Christian faith, is saving herself for marriage.

She hasn’t told Peter this yet, though. At the hangar, she takes him aside and talks around the issue, saying that “it would be really hard” for her if Peter were to sleep with the other girls, but she doesn’t mention saving herself for marriage, and she doesn’t say for sure that she would leave if he does sleep with the other women. Peter says he doesn’t want to hurt her, but that to deprive Victoria F. or Hannah Ann of his miraculous, pilot-licensed, four-times-in-a-windmill dong would not be “ fair to the relationships I already have.”

After this unsatisfying, unresolved conversation, the team heads to Australia’s Gold Coast to go down (under) on each other (sorry!!!). The producers, intent on making this season as messy as possible, decide to put all the girls in the same apartment, instead of giving them separate ones like they usually do. This means that they’ll all be hyperaware of who is on a date with Peter and when, and whether they spend the night together. This arrangement seems unnecessarily cruel, and watching Peter come in and collect each girl one by one to go have sex with him feels gross.

The first woman Peter collects is Hannah Ann. The two go waterskiing, and make out in front of a sunset. They never seem to have much to talk about, but they are clearly horny for each other. Peter says he’s really in love with Hannah Ann because she’s always been really into him, which seems like as good a reason as any. Over dinner that night, Peter gives her the key to the fantasy suite, and says he “can’t wait to wake up to her tomorrow morning.” Yeah, sure, buddy — that’s what you’re excited about. He and Hannah Ann go to their enormous, beautiful penthouse suite. Before the cameras leave for the night, they get one Titanic-esque shot of Hannah Ann’s hand pressed passionately against an opaque glass wall.

“Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on.” Photo: Courtesy of ABC

When Hannah Ann gets back to the women’s shared apartment the next day, the awkward tension is almost unbearable. Madison says Hannah Ann has a “cute tan,” which I guess is her way of saying “blinding post-coital glow.”

Victoria F.’s dick appointment is up next. She and Peter take a helicopter ride to a waterfall, and in a voice-over, Peter explains that he loves everything about his relationship with Victoria “except when it comes to just communicating.” Communication is famously not a big deal in relationships, so I’m sure they’ll be fine.

Peter and Victoria, communicating. Photo: Courtesy of ABC

Remember how last week that random woman warned Peter against dating Victoria F. because “there’s been many relationships broken up because of her”? Peter doesn’t seem to remember, and is really excited about this date. At the waterfall, he and Victoria marvel over the fact that they haven’t fought “yet.” This lasts through dinner, and even though it seems for a second like Victoria is going to storm off again, she doesn’t, and they go to another fantasy suite, which isn’t as nice as the one Hannah Ann got. Peter says he looks forward to a night of conversation.

Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Madison is trying her best to keep it together. She tells Hannah Ann that she clearly laid out her expectations for Peter (she didn’t really) and that she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to stay in the competition if she knows that Peter has had sex with other women. Hannah Ann, still glowing from her fantasy suite date, looks uncomfortable.

The next morning, Victoria F. comes back to the apartment, and it’s again very awkward. One of the girls tells her she looks “so skinny” and then the three of them sit in tense silence for a while. Eventually, Madison leaves the room to get ready for her date, and also probably to gnaw her arm off in frustration.

Finally, it’s Madison’s date. Peter takes her to a large skyscraper and says they’re going to the top, but that the elevator doesn’t go all the way up, so they’ll have to climb the rest of the way. Literally, what? That’s not how buildings work. Anyway, they get into jumpsuits and harnesses, and get ready for their climb, which turns out to just be… a walk up a flight of stairs? The view is nice, at least.

Madison and Peter, walking up some stairs. Photo: Courtesy of ABC

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann tells Victoria F. about her conversation with Madison, and — as most things do — it makes Victoria F. furious. She thinks putting Peter in the position of having to choose between Madison and going to the Humptons with the two other girls is “so unfair” and not right “no matter what your values and morals are.” She already had her fantasy-suite night with Peter, though, so I have no idea what she’s so pissed about.

Over dinner, it’s time for Madison and Peter to discuss the sexual elephant in the room. Madison finally tells him she’s been saving herself for marriage, and Peter says he respects that, but hasn’t made the same decision, which we already knew, because we know he’s had sex at least four times, and probably six. He tells Madison he can’t give her the details of what he did with the other women, which is for the best, but he confirms that did get “intimate.”

Madison steps outside to sob while two curious kangaroos watch. Eventually, Peter steps outside, crying, and says he “hates this situation” (only being able to do it with two women instead of three, presumably), and that he doesn’t want to lose her. Madison doesn’t know if she can stay or not. The kangaroos aren’t seen again.

Will Madison stay, do you think? Will Peter ever realize his relationship with Victoria is deeply toxic? Will Hannah Ann … actually, Hannah Ann seems to be having a perfectly nice time, I have no questions about her. Tune in next week for the women tell-all episode, where we’ll all be forced to talk again about Alayah — the woman everyone hated who Peter eliminated, and then brought back, and then eliminated again. We will never be free.

How to Deal With Your TV Boyfriend Boning Other Women