the sea

Is He Hiding a Boat From You?

You never know — your man could have a secret boat.
You never know — your man could have a secret boat. Photo: GoodLifeStudio/Getty Images/iStockphoto

Ladies, has your man been calling you around dinnertime with worrying frequency, informing you that he has to work late yet again? Has he started to emit a suspiciously briny tang? Has he taken to greeting everyone he passes on the sidewalk with “ahoy,” as well as some sort of strange salute? If so, it may be time to ask him one of the Difficult Questions: Do you have a secret boat?

This possibility may at first seem preposterous — but what it is not, is impossible. In a recent article about a closing marina in south Brooklyn, published in Brooklyn Paper, one interviewed marina tenant went so far as to request anonymity, precisely so his wife wouldn’t find out he’s a boat-owning seaman. His full quote below, emphasis mine:

“It’s a huge loss for Brooklyn,” said a marina tenant, who spoke on the condition of anonymity out of fear of his wife, who doesn’t know he owns a boat. “There’s a lot of guys who fish out of here, and it’s nice because you can be in the ocean very quickly, which is a huge bonus. And for sailors it’s a nice place, because it’s really deep and, again, ocean access.”

There are a few cynical ways to interpret the man’s decision to hide his boat from his wife: Maybe he dipped into his savings account to buy a small yacht, and doesn’t want his wife to know they’re down a couple hundred-thousand dollars; or perhaps he’s engaging in some adulterous behavior at sea, à la Tony Soprano on the Stugots. While I certainly hope neither of these reflect the truth, I’m wary. When asked to speak about a marina’s qualities, I would expect a weathered sailor to offer something much more convincing — and frankly, esoteric — than “really deep” and “ocean access.”

But it’s possible I’m being too distrustful. For all I know, the man furtively purchased the boat as a 25th anniversary gift for his wife, and he has yet to do his elaborate reveal. Whatever the case may be, I hope for the wife’s sake that she finds out about boat, and sooner rather than later. She deserves to feel the salty wind in her hair, too.

Is He Hiding a Boat From You?