I Need to Believe Britney Spears Is the Fastest Human on Earth

I want to belive. Photo: Getty Images

Guess who the fastest person in the world is right this very moment? Go on, guess! Okay, fine, I will just tell you: It’s Britney, bitch.

On Wednesday, Britney Spears has absolutely obliterated the record for speediest 100-meter dash, according to her Instagram account. I will not be entertaining any questions about this claim’s validity at this time, because frankly, I need it to be true.

Consider the incontrovertible photographic evidence: Per the below screenshot, Britney ran 100 meters in 5.97 seconds. “Ran my first 5 !!!!” she wrote in the caption. “Getting over your fear of pushing it in the beginning is key … once I did that I hit 5 !!!!! Usually I run 6 or 7 … my first try was 9 … and now I did it whoop !!!!! 100 meter dash.”

As many of her followers pointed out, the previous record holder for this event is Usain Bolt, at 9.58 seconds. The Jamaican sprinter clinched the “fastest man in the world” title at the 2009 IAAF Athletic Championships in Berlin, after continually beating his own personal best at various Olympic Games and running events. Nobody is saying that his abilities are not impressive — Usain Bolt’s uncanny speeds are almost a unit of measurement in and of themselves — but, look at Britney’s time! Incredible! As in “impossible to believe,” at least for some of you, I’m sure.

But listen. Britney is very sporty: She works out constantly, can fly gracefully through the air, and has, at certain points in her life, allegedly been able to do between 750 and 1,000 crunches in a day. So until she can either race Usain Bolt in person (not a possibility for the foreseeable) or settle this score on the Olympic track (Britney Spears for Team USA 2021, baby), we will just have to take her word for it. And why ruin this gift by questioning where it came from? As evidenced by … everything you see when you look around you, stranger things have happened.

I Need to Believe Britney Spears Is the Fastest Human Alive