Please note the story you’re reading was published more than a day ago. COVID-19 news and recommendations change fast: Read the latest here to stay up-to-date. We’ve lifted our paywall on all essential news and updates about the coronavirus.
At a recent White House coronavirus briefing, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases warned that in the face of the rapidly spreading virus, we all must alter our typical reckless, disgusting lifestyles. “We would like the country to realize that as a nation,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said, “we can’t be doing the kinds of things we were doing a few months ago.” Presumably, he was referring to inadequately washing our hands or chilling with 1,000 close friends at a time. But his advice obviously also applies to our most beloved method of exchanging bodily fluids (sex).
As of now, public-health experts are still learning how exactly the coronavirus spreads. They know it can be transmitted through droplets that leave an infected person’s nose or mouth, but there’s currently no definitive data regarding whether the virus is present in secretions that leave your nether regions. Still, experts say the best way to protect oneself against the coronavirus is to avoid close contact — a distance of six feet, to be precise — which really precludes the act of getting it on. So, in the interest of being totally safe, I would suggest that we all charge our phones and ready our dry-ass hands that are likely cracked from vigorous washing. For those of us who feel too anxious to rub our naked bodies up against others, the time is nigh to get horny on the phone.
Phone sex, to the unaccustomed, might be intimidating. Am I really supposed to narrate what I want to do to this person I cannot touch, and ask them do it in return, and eventually orgasm? you might fret, your eyes frantically darting between your phone and your vibrator. And sorry, yes! But it’s fun. Call your boyfriend and demand he describe in detail the exact smell of your intoxicating horny musk, or ring up a recent Tinder match and tell them you want to erotically rub a psychedelic paste in their armpit, à la Portrait of a Lady on Fire. If you’re shy, there’s always sexting.
To start, you might just need to zhuzh up your space a bit. If you’ve been self-quarantining or working from home — which everyone should do, if they can — whether or not you realize it, you’re probably a little feral from the lack of social interaction. Crack open a window and have a Proustian moment with the fresh air, letting distant memories of walking outside, unencumbered by anxiety, wash over you. Take Megan Thee Stallion’s advice, and spend a little time checking yourself out in front of a mirror. Maybe have a generous pour of wine if you want? Or hey, light an overpriced status candle — maybe even one that’s supposed to smell like a vagina, if that’s what gets you going.
However you go about your sexy time, just please don’t forget to clean your phone after.
