Legolas Is Getting Married, But We’ll Be Okay

Legolas. Photo: New Line Cinema

Regardless of where you are in life romantically, learning that someone you once loved now loves someone else can be shockingly destabilizing. How dare they be attracted to someone else?, you might initially think in a moment of vulnerability, before coming to peace and finding yourself actually happy that your past person has found their new person. At least that’s how I feel about Legolas, elf man of my dreams from 2001 to 2003, settling down with a woman who is not me.

Legolas’s upcoming plans to become someone else’s husband aren’t exactly new: It was nearly a year ago that he proposed to Katy Perry, a human not of Middle-earth. But this week has been a busy one for the couple. Yesterday, Katy announced that she was pregnant with their first child, and additional reporting stated that she and Legolas were planning to wed as early this summer (!) in Japan. (According to a source close to the couple, they have now decided to postpone the wedding due to coronavirus concerns, which is disappointing to them, I’m sure.)

Do not misinterpret my sentiments — I really am sincerely happy for Legolas and Katy, who seem to be enamored with one another. It’s just that the news has also resurfaced some of my dearest memories of the handsome elf: hacking into my mom’s eBay account and making an exorbitantly high, winning bid on three “autographed” posters of Legolas, and furiously checking the mail every day so I could retrieve my package without my mom ever discovering what I had done; JO’ing thinking about the firm way Legolas gripped his bow of the Galadhrim; and weeping all night about the age difference between Legolas and myself, which I saw as the sole barrier preventing us from pledging to live our lives as loving husband and wife.

But I’ve matured significantly over the past nearly two decades. I wish for Legolas and Katy both years of nude paddle-boarding and weird Tantric elven sex.

Legolas Is Getting Married, But We’ll Be Okay