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A Ghost Is the Perfect Quarantine Sex Partner

Two figures engaging in sexual relations.
Safe sex if I ever saw it! Photo: Getty Images/iStockphoto

In a recent sex-advice column published on Slate, an unnamed writer came to the columnists with a classic quandary: Her friend appears to be engaging in sexual relations with a ghost, and she doesn’t know what to do about it. At first, when the friend divulged that she was “masturbating while thinking of a man who lived in her apartment in the 1920s,” the writer thought she was joking. But over the past few months, it seems, the friend has apparently grown increasingly smitten with John. She references him as though they are partners. She posts about him on social media. So enraptured is this woman by her ghostly lover that she is even considering abstaining from seeing an old sex partner out of concern that it might make John jealous. And the writer is troubled: “I can’t tell if this is harmless or if I should have a more direct conversation with her about it.”

Now I mean no disrespect toward of the advice of columnist Rich Juzwiak, who believes the friend to be either “fully aware of how ridiculous this is or not at all, and the latter case would be cause for concern … probably.” It’s just that, if I may be so bold, I’d like to offer my own informed opinion on the matter.

As I see it, banging a ghost is the perfect solution to safe sex amid the coronavirus pandemic. If you don’t believe in the supernatural, you may see it as a sort of vivid fantasy, like masturbating with a few extra bells and whistles. (Remember that masturbating is something NYC health officials enthusiastically approve of.) And if you do believe in ghosts, well … the whole thing seems ideal! Having a disembodied spirit as a sexual partner means you can carry on your affair from the comfort of your own home — ideal in a time of responsible social distancing — and you also don’t have to worry about COVID-19 transmission (unless the World Health Organization is sitting on information unknown to me). Instead, you get to focus on the matter at hand: Having nasty, sweaty ghost sex.

Which brings me to the most compelling reason to let a ghost hit it — and not just now, but at any point in time: They know how to lay pipe. In 2004, Anna Nicole Smith said a ghost gave her “some amazing sex.” Kesha once proclaimed she “went to the bone zone” with a spirit. Speaking of her own ghostly experience, Lucy Liu said, “It was sheer bliss. I felt everything. I climaxed. And then he floated away.” A generous lover who kindly leaves you to yourself to bask in your meditative post-orgasm state? Bliss, indeed.

A Ghost Is the Perfect Quarantine Sex Partner