Well, well, well. Here we are, a bunch of real sickos, gathered together at last. You, the reader, who clicked on a headline that contained the phrase “sack of wet eggs,” and me, the writer, who saw that appalling image and thought, I’d like to look into that and possibly write a few hundred words about it. What depraved little piggies we are. And at the center of our unholy union, the profane objects in front of which we prostrate ourselves: A British grocery store’s massive sacks of wet, loose, peeled, hard-boiled eggs.
The sacks entered the collective consciousness of Twitter on Wednesday, when user @TrumpetSexy posted two pictures of the dark artifacts, which they found at their local Morrison’s, a grocery store chain in the U.K. “My local Morrison’s is selling actual sacks of wet eggs,” @TrumpetSexy wrote. “This is the most wretched and cursed item I have ever witnessed.”
“Also it’s in the meal deal section, which implies this is considered lunch?” they continued. “Does this count as a main, or a snack?? I have so many questions, and no answers.”
@TrumpetSexy was not alone. The images prompted strong responses on Twitter, where users expressed confusion, concern, regret.
I, too, have found myself consumed with questions about the eggs ever since I first laid my eyes on them yesterday. The images are incredibly rich texts that I feel certain I could spend the rest of my life unpacking and still never fully understand. There’s the fact that the eggs have been sitting in their own, yellowy juices for … well, we don’t know exactly how long, because according to a label on one big blue egg bag, the expiration date for these eggs was September 11, 2020, five days before @TrumpetSexy posted a picture of them.
The bags are obviously unreliable narrators, though, because another label indicates that the sack contains “5 boiled eggs,” when clearly, each bag is full of at least two-dozen boiled eggs. (The price of one massive bag appears to be 1 pound sterling [$1.30] which is, you have to admit, a really good deal.)
Particularly haunting is the face that the sacks are on shelves labeled “MAIN” rather than “SNACKS,” implying that they are intended to be the “main course” of the saddest meal ever envisioned, and that one is expected to eat all the eggs in one sitting — reaching deep into the wet sack for an egg, sliding it into your mouth, juice dripping everywhere, and repeating this process again and again, and again and again, until the sack sits flaccid and empty on the table in front of you.
These questions are small-potatoes, though, compared to the bigger, more existential problem raised by the existence of these sacks: Why?
When reached for comment by Buzzfeed News, a Morrison’s spokesperson explained: “These boiled eggs are prepared for our salad bar. Sometimes, rather than wasting them, we offer them to customers directly.”
On Twitter, a Morrison’s representative, who identified themself as Rochelle, defended the sacks’ existence, writing that there are more wet-egg lovers “than you would think” and that while some may see a cursed item, all Rochelle sees is a bargain. She added the hashtag” #weteggwin.”
I have to agree with Rochelle on that last point. This is indeed a #weteggwin, because I’ve never in my life spent so much time thinking or talking about wet eggs. What would you do with this massive sack, besides eat it in one, filthy sitting on your couch, I wonder? You could share it with a date, your hands brushing romantically up against each other through the slime as you reach for the same egg. “You take it. No, you take it,” you would both laugh. If things went well, your date could come home with you and you could feast on the remaining eggs by candlelight, juice dripping down your lips as you both tentatively lean in for a kiss, and maybe more?
Or you could get the sack and, after checking if the eggs still smell good, have them as snacks, or cut over salads for a few days. I’m sure they would be fine.
And of course, even if you don’t live near a Morrison’s that’s selling these massive wet egg sacks, you can always send these images to your friends and enemies. This would force them to wrestle with the same questions we’ve been discussing here, and make the wretched little wet-egg sickos like us reveal themselves.
Whatever you do, it is certainly a #weteggwin.