peace be with you

All the Gossip the Pope Isn’t Going to Hear From Me

The Pope. Photo: Corbis via Getty Images

Last week, during his weekly Sunday Angelus overlooking St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis strayed from his prepared remarks to address all the haters and Chatty Cathys sowing discord within the ranks of the Vatican with their loose lips. Gossip, he said, is a “plague worse than COVID.”

“Please brothers and sisters, let’s try to not gossip,” he said. “Gossip is a plague worse than COVID. Worse. Let’s make a big effort: no gossiping!”

The devil, he added, is the “biggest gossiper.”

I’ve been mulling the pope’s comments for a while now. Ultimately, I have to disagree with him, because I am someone who loves gossip and hates COVID. As a good lapsed Catholic, however, I agree to respect his wishes to the extent that I promise not to gossip with him, specifically. In light of that, here is some gossip I WON’T be telling him, and if he asks, you didn’t hear it from me. Amen.

• Samantha S. says her dog is a rescue is but I know for a fact she got it from a breeder. And that’s fine!! But just don’t lie about it?

• This one time, in college, this guy Tim started dating this girl Diana, but it turns out that Tim had a long-distance girlfriend at another college, and neither of the girlfriends knew about each other, and then the long-distance girlfriend transferred to Tim’s college to be with him, and Tim had to tell her and Diana everything! Ah! It was such a mess.

• I know this person Alex who got broken up with mid-coitus.

• Todd M. was the “mystery pooper” in Yates Hall freshman year. I didn’t see him do it myself but someone told me, and given his whole vibe, it tracks.

• Jenna K. said she was originally supposed to be the girl in My Girl but that there was a “scheduling conflict” at the last minute so they picked Anna Chlumsky instead. But that doesn’t even make any sense because Jenna K. was, like, 5 when they filmed My Girl.

• Mel R.’s accent is fake …

• I saw John Malkovich in a fancy hat store in Vienna once. This isn’t technically gossip, I guess. Just a fun fact.

Anyway, PLEASE do not tell the pope any of that, he doesn’t want to hear it. Peace be with you.

All the Gossip the Pope Isn’t Going to Hear From Me