One time, I asked a guy I was seeing if he knew what his love language was. He told me (I don’t remember what he said. I wasn’t listening. I was too excited to tell him mine) and then, when he dutifully asked, “What’s you—” I cut him off, bellowing, “WORDS OF AFFIRMATION,” and then sat there preening for half an hour while he gave me compliments. The relationship ultimately ended because it turns out his love language was “acts of service” (sex), which he was satisfying with two other women both of whom had the same name. Anyways, the point is that I know a thing or two about love languages, and none of these guys vying for Clare’s heart on the Bachelorette know what “words of affirmation” means!
On last night’s episode, Clare went on her first group date, which was “love language” themed. For the first part of the date, Clare stood in a fake castle tower, just like the original Bachelorette star, Juliet Capulet, and listened while 300 men lined up one by one to give her compliments. Only they didn’t give her compliments, they gave themselves compliments. “I have a lot of layers to me,” one guy says. Another said he’d had a hard time opening up in the past. Okay? None of them pointed out how Clare has a smile that could light up a room, or how she managed to successfully pull off those high-waisted paper-bag shorts, which can be a hard look to make work. Oh well, Clare seemed to like it and I guess that’s what matters.
The other love languages were “gift giving,” and “physical touch,” where Clare and the guys felt each other up while wearing blindfolds, and she kept insisting that she recognized each guy’s smell, like some kind of horny bloodhound. The “quality time” portion of the evening was the cocktail party, which started with a very awkward moment where Clare gave a toast, and then none of the guys asked to talk to her. She got really mad and said that, since they all wanted to hang out with each other, she could just go home. Maybe she was actually mad about the bad words of affirmation. The guys got it together eventually, and then the next day, Clare went on a one-on-one date with someone named Jason, where they talked about their feelings and yelled in the desert and burnt Clare’s dress from her season of the Bachelor together.
For the second group date, Clare had 300 more guys play “strip dodgeball,” and the losing team had to strip down to their jockstraps and walk home in shame. I thought this was a little messed up, and so did Yosef, who is clearly this season’s villain and who says that Clare has done a couple of “classless” things he didn’t like. In the end, Clare sent home some guy named “Brandon” who said he signed up for this season specifically for Clare and then couldn’t say one single thing about her. It’s unclear if he knew her name.
Next week looks like it will be all about how Dale and Clare fall in love and blow up this season, but until then, here are some questions I have:
• For “gift giving,” one of the guys gave Clare his favorite T-shirt. Do you think it was really his favorite or just another one he had around? I would never give away my favorite T-shirt; I spent years sleeping in it and spilling food on it to get it just right. If it was his favorite, do you think he regrets giving it up? I would.
• I loved it when Clare came out at the end of the first group date and chewed out the guys for not pulling her aside to talk to her. My friends thought it was over the top. My question is: How long until we can have big indoor parties again and I can do this and cause a scene?
• Don’t you think Eazy will be a great Bachelor in Paradise star?
• Is strip dodgeball really that sexy? Remember that old Seinfeld bit about how there’s “good naked” and “bad naked”? Dodgeball seems like “bad naked” to me. Too much flailing.
• Brandon had FOUR WEEKS of quarantine (two weeks at home; two weeks on set) to think about Clare, and he couldn’t come up with a single thing to say that he likes about her besides that she’s hot????? What?! My dude. Get it together.