You may not have realized this between his impassioned monologues about the coronavirus and Gilmore Girls, but John Oliver, a self-proclaimed “six feet of nasty, spankable bird meat crammed into a suit,” has been pining after and objectifying one special man throughout the year: Adam Driver, that “larynx-crushing, unwieldy boulder” with great hair. Until last night, that is. During Last Week Tonight’s season finale, Driver finally confronted Oliver over FaceTime about the host’s growing list of kinks, and he wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect of, among other things, being asked to collapse on Oliver’s chest, tie his fingers in a square knot, or shatter his knees.
“Listen to me, what the fuck are you doing? This bit? This bit, this thing you’ve been doing that’s either sexual or violent,” Driver explained. “This strange, strange bit that for some reason you’ve pulled me into. What is it? When you first started doing it, it was easy for me to shrug it off. But then it kept going on, and on, and on, and on. Stop talking. Do you realize, over this past year, what you’ve asked me to do to you?” He continued, increasingly more perplexed: “You realize we’re strangers, right? I don’t know you. And now, random people on the internet stan us. I’m sick of people stopping me on the street and asking me if I’m going to punch a hole in you like a Marriage Story wall. And you know what? You should be ashamed of yourself because you know this was inappropriate.” Sadly, Oliver’s defense of “having some weird fun” didn’t work, and he declared the bit over. For now.