As the holidays approach, it’s time to start thinking about what to buy all of our loved ones. Luckily, Gwyneth Paltrow has come to our rescue with this year’s gift guide from Goop.
Goop is never afraid of an out-there recommendation. In the past, the site has asked its readers to consider vaginal steaming, sticking rocks up there, and purchasing a $15,000 dildo. And this year’s guide follows along the same lines. If you know someone who wants to smell like a vagina, become a Scottish lord, or create a replica of any consenting penis, it’s the perfect place to shop.
Keep scrolling for 13 of the best (most absurd) recommendations from the 2020 Goop gift guide.
“This Smells Like My Vagina” and “This Smells Like My Orgasm” Roll-ons
When Goop’s infamous vagina-scented candle was followed up by one that smells like an orgasm, we finally understood that Paltrow simply cannot be tamed. Now, the brand offers roll-on versions so you can take the scents of your vagina and orgasm on the go.
Edie Parker Ouija Board
For the low cost of $1,995, you can communicate with spirits with your very own sparkly Ouija board.
Pampshade Batard Bread Lamp
Those with gluten intolerance, steer clear — this lamp is actually made of bread. The materials listed on the site include “bread flour, cake flour, salt, yeast, LED lights, power cord with dimmer switch.” At $210, it’ll be the most expensive loaf of bread you’ll ever buy. But it glows!
Clone-a-Willy Dildo Cloning Kit
What’s a Clone-a-Willy? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. This cute and fun kit lets you make an exact replica of your special someone’s penis. Lovers, be warned: You might not even want the real deal afterward since the clone can vibrate.
Tsuchiya Kaban Watermelon Bag
Never experience the shame of carrying your watermelon in an ill-fitting bag again.
Summerland Pleasure Point Bong
Smoking is, like, so universally chill now. Since a normal pipe or joint simply will not do for the bougie stoner, try this ceramic bong that Goop claims “is intended for use with tobacco only.” Suuuuure.
Kiki de Montparnasse Collar and Lead Bondage Set
If you’re rich and shopping for someone who is “BDSM-curious” (maybe you’re actually Christian Grey?), then this is perfect. Goop assures us that it’s not impractical since you can also wear it like jewelry, so you can look like a fancy dog whenever you want.
The Post-Structuralist Vulva Coloring Book
Who loves vaginas more than Paltrow? In her honor, get your BFFs a coloring book filled with pictures dedicated to them. Think Mount Rushmore, but vulvas instead of those four old white dudes. Or Princess Leia, but make her buns vulvas.
Good x Avocado Green Mattress
You best believe that if someone bought me a mattress that started at $38,000, I would never leave the bed. At least they know it’s ridiculous.
Igneous Bath Custom Concrete Self-Heating Tub
Oh, it starts only at $100,000? Why didn’t you just say so?
Sometimes you need to take a break from your mansion and retreat to a separate space on your beautiful plot of land. That’s what this $13,600 portable room is for.
Established Titles Lordship Title Pack
“Become a lord or lady with the purchase of one square foot of land on a private estate in Scotland.” Finally.
Stiliyana Minkovska Birth Sill
Moms-to-be will thank you for giving them an artsy chair made to give birth on.