Okay, We Get It, You’re Monoliths

Another day, another monolith — this time placed atop a mountain in Atascadero, California. It’s the third monolith spotting in the past few weeks: The first showed up (and then promptly disappeared) in Romania in late November, and the second appeared in Utah a day later. The Utah structure also mysteriously disappeared, but a group of slackliners took responsibility for its removal in a TikTok video.

Frankly, I’m over these monoliths, especially this latest one, which, according to the Atascadero News, is a flimsy piece of work that “could be knocked over with a firm push.” The New York Times reported that they resemble the work of the late artist John McCracken, but it’s obvious to me that the monoliths are simply a marketing campaign.

A marketing campaign for what? you may wonder. The first and most obvious answer is that the aliens have kicked off their end-of-year rollout, and the placement of these silver structures around the globe is simply their idea of an elegant marketing strategy — in which case I say bravo, proceed.

That said, if it is aliens, no one will believe it, so let’s consider some other possible options for what the monoliths might be advertising:

1. The Chromatica Oreos

2. MIRROR home fitness, recently acquired by Lululemon

3. Gum

4. Juuls

5. Elon Musk’s soul, broken into monolith horcruxes

Okay, We Get It, You’re Monoliths