Wonder Woman 1984 was released last week, on Christmas Day, and there’s nothing we can do about that now. If Wonder Woman (2017) was an expansive, delicious feast of a movie, Wonder Woman 1984 is like a picture of a feast from a magazine spread that you found torn out and crumpled up under your couch: still pretty to look at, I guess, but unpleasant to consume and covered in mysterious and unwanted fur. The throwback ’80s costumes are fun, Pedro Pascal’s performance as the villainous businessman Maxwell Lord is chaotically charming, but the plot is confusing and convoluted, the characters thinly drawn, and the final, climactic fight sequence appears to have been drawn from unused footage from Cats.
Still, although I much preferred its predecessor, my main gripe with the new Wonder Woman is the same one I had in 2017: I wish someone would just give Diana a scrunchie!!
Look, I know Diana is a demigoddess and thus not subjected to the same rules of physics or hair care that the rest of us are. I understand that she was raised among Amazons of Themyscira and probably schooled in advanced techniques of how to angle your neck just so in order to make sure your hair stays out of your face when you do a backflip off your galloping steed or whatever. But Amazon or not, if you have long hair, doing any sort of strenuous work with it down is miserable — it’s sticky, hot, and strands of it are constantly getting in your eyes and mouth. And that’s just if you have an average human amount of hair. Wonder Woman is hauling around what appears to be at least 34 pounds of thick, luscious locks that whirl and whip around her when she’s in combat. Surely, even a daughter of Zeus would welcome the help of a little cotton Scünci while she’s busy fighting an increasingly angry and eye-lined Kristen Wiig in the lobby of Ronald Reagan’s White House.
Diana’s already has one magical hair accessory: Her little metal headband can be hurled at enemies like a deadly boomerang. Why not just give her a hair tie that she keeps around her wrist should the need for a fight with a formerly unpopular cheetah woman suddenly arise?
Unlike the rest of the chumps at the end of WW84, for this, I refuse to renounce my wish.