sorry to these men

Why Do the Bachelorette Contestants Sound Like Toddlers?

Run, Katie. Photo: Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images

Because I am sick in the head, I unabashedly enjoy The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Is it good? No, but it is perfect — specifically in its ability to one-up itself in ways that no one expects or asks for. This season’s early treat? The buck-wild Instagram graphics introducing the 23 male contestants who will be vying for the affection and roses of bachelorette Katie Thurston.

It’s as if the show heard everyone talking about how boring last season was and took it as a challenge to find the least-interesting single men. The contestants are always revealed ahead of the season, usually in group photos or 30-second videos where they awkwardly dance and talk about what makes them horny. This year, ABC has chosen to share annotated photos of each of the 23 contestants, and, for some inexplicable reason, they read like a parent describing things their toddler likes. The Bachelorette producers really did the boys dirty on this one.

Would you give a rose to this man?

How about this man?

Australia just cast their first bisexual Bachelorette, but don’t worry, because we’ve got Garret who “hates tangy foods.” Hell, yeah!

This season, we’ll also meet Marty, who likes watching movies “indoors.” Great choice, Marty. I, a human woman, also love earth things like indoor movies and outside rain. Connor B. is the “proud owner of his own tux” and claims he can eat cereal faster than anyone. Why the rush, Connor B.? Can’t we leisurely enjoy our Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

A “Connor B.” of course implies the existence of a Connor C. This subsequent Connor would like to share with the class that he has the same birthday as Matthew McConaughey, which has the energy of someone who says things like, “A fun fact about me is that my cousin swallowed a penny once.” Landon wants us to know that “Christmas lights make him very happy.” Excellent, no further questions. And Hunter has “never ridden a horse.” Oh no, I hope the producers don’t … make him ride a horse.

Then, we’ve got our sweet boy Christian, who loves parades and wishes he could drive the Batmobile. Also, he’s 27! Next up is Aaron, who is afraid of saber-tooth tigers, and I am afraid no one has told this man that animal has been extinct for 10,000 years. There’s always one contestant that makes you go “… Are you a serial killer?” And this year, I’m putting all my money on Jeff, whose profession is listed as “skin salesman.”

Oh, there’s also a Mystery Contestant who is simply listed as “Box???” I hope the box is full of sex-zombie cicadas. If this is just the appetizer, I’m excited for the entrée that will be these contestants’ entrances, which are famously bonkers.

Why Do These Bachelorette Contestants Sound Like Toddlers?