This morning a Facebook post from a members-only A24 fan page (A24 being the studio behind Uncut Gems, Midsommar, and many other popular films) found its way to the rest of the internet. “Here’s my tier list of A24 actors i can probably beat up in a fight,” it read. “I do think Chalamet has a height advantage over me but I can still snap him like a twig. Great actor 🤝.”
This incredible proclamation by one Elijah Uchima was indeed followed up by a ranking, a seven-category bracket ranging from “A24 actors I can completely demolish” to “Nope, I’m running” — a group that includes Tom Hardy and Trevante Rhodes, which is fair.
The rest of the list, however, is up for some debate. The thing that really gets me is seeing the strapping, six-foot-two, beautifully and modestly muscled Dev Patel being lumped into a “beatable” category with Miles Teller — a man who is famously beat-upable. Certainly there’s something gentle and forgiving in his Dev’s eyes, but he has a sort of rugged, Aragorn-son-of-Arathorn energy that makes me think he’d fare well in a fight. My evidence:
Others seem similarly disgruntled. LaKeith Stanfield, a victim of the list, reposted it on Instagram, noting that he should “for sure be in nope im running,” which I agree with, because I think he knows martial arts or at least seems like he might kick high.
I’d also like to suggest Willem Dafoe — currently languishing in the “actors that can probably beat me up” category — join LaKeith there, as I would bet some money on the fact that he could kill a man with his bare hands.
As Thandie Newton noted on Stanfield’s post, the ranking is sorely lacking in A24 actresses. I’d just like to add that many of the men in this ranking would be crushed by the girls from Spring Breakers, the robot from Ex Machina, and Florence Pugh. Meanwhile, Greta Gerwig (girlboss edition) would make “Nope, I’m running” by saying something rude:
As for the “definitely beat me up” classification, it looks pretty good to me. Of course, Oscar Isaac would destroy you — in fact, that doesn’t sound so bad to me — and Adam Driver would simply step on you and call it good.