Billie Eilish just released her latest single, “Lost Cause,” and its accompanying music video, which can be best summarized as a giant (kinda horny?) sleepover. It has Silly String, a mini dress-up montage, ass shaking, Twister, water-gun fights, lying on a bed with friends in a fun way, lying on a bed with friends in a sexy way, and Billie Eilish having an overall good time. Most importantly, it has snacks, a crucial element to any and all sleepovers.
As a snack connoisseur with an extremely low bar, I consider it my civic duty to comment on the snack range offered to Billie’s sleepover attendees. As a whole? A solid spread. While there is no pizza — which we all know is a sleepover delicacy — there is a respectable array of sweet and salty treats.
Here is the definitive rating of the snacks most clearly featured in the “Lost Cause” video. I will be taking no questions.
Bored! Give me dips! Give me sour cream and onion seasoning! I would only eat this snack as a last resort or if Billie Eilish made me. 1/10
Market Pantry Ripple Chips
Ruffled chips are the best kind of chips, especially in their ability to hold sour cream and onion dip, the definitive chip dip. I appreciate the inclusion of a Target-brand chip in the video, but would have preferred to see them with an accompanying dip. 6/10
Spudsy Sweet Potato Puffs
Did I watch the video in slo-mo to try to see what kind of flavor puffs are featured in the video? No comment, but they are Bangin’ Bar-B-Q. I admittedly have never had these puffs, but they look like a stumpier version of a Cheeto, a quintessential sleepover snack. N/A
Jarritos Mandarin Soda
Orange soda is the most sleepover flavor of soda. Jarritos is delicious. No notes. 10/10
Veggie Straws and Veggie Chips
Huge fan of any snack that makes me feel like I’m eating vegetables rather than just salty, crunchy air. However, I am Midwest trash and have pledged my allegiance to the Zesty Ranch variety of these straws and chips. 9/10
Captain Crunch and Froot Loops
No offense, but I’m not a big “cereal as a snack” person, though I do respect the cereals presented. 5/10
The way whipped cream is portrayed in the media is too often unrealistic, and this is no exception. I have absolutely gorged myself on whipped cream from a can at a sleepover, but never in a way that is aesthetically pleasing or should be captured on film. This rating is based on execution rather than the snack itself: 2/10
Better than regular Lays, but almost, dare I say, too crunchy? Still, I salute the variety of chips in this video. 4/10
Scoops are the inferior style of Tostitos. The little mini-rounds are great, and the big-ass Hint of Lime chips are perfection. Scoops too often assault the corners of your mouth, even if they do make salsa delivery slightly easier. 3/10
Fruit by the Foot
Like Fruit Roll-Ups, Fruit by the Foot is a snack that sounds better in theory than in practice. Too sticky. Too much work. However, a balled-up Fruit by the Foot, done by unraveling the whole strand and bunching it up, elevates it to a new level. Something to consider for next time, Billie. Also, Gushers. 7/10
Hell yeah. Pringles are among the best sleepover snacks, alongside Doritos, which are criminally not featured in the video. I will be seeking legal action accordingly. 10/10