i believe

Sounds to Me Like There Are Definitely Aliens

An alien UFO! Maybe! Photo: Historia/Shutterstock

Hot alien summer, commence! An early version of the Pentagon’s highly anticipated report on UFOs has been released, and drumroll, please … it sounds like there are definitely aliens! Maybe! U.S. intelligence officials who conducted the report couldn’t officially confirm either way, which I am taking to mean, “There are for sure aliens.”

The report looked at over 120 UFO sightings from the past 20 years, many of which came from Navy pilots. Per the New York Times, the report found “no evidence” that these sightings were, with certainty, alien spacecraft. However, “they still cannot explain the unusual movements that have mystified scientists and the military.” Hmmm, sure sounds like aliens to me.

So, what exactly did the report find? Officials have determined that the vast majority of these 120 incidents “did not originate from any American military or other advanced U.S. government technology.” That eliminates the possibility that Navy pilots would have encountered technology from a secret U.S. government program. It also opens up the possibility that there are hella aliens.

Officials believe at least some of the sightings may have been experimental technology from Russia or China, but they don’t currently have any evidence to prove that. Plus, some characteristics of the observed phenomena remain difficult to explain, especially things like the crafts’ acceleration and ability to change direction quickly. Another potential explanation is that some of these sightings were actually weather balloons, but officials say that doesn’t seem possible for all the reported cases. As the Times states, “the very ambiguity of the findings meant the government could not definitively rule out theories that the phenomena observed by military pilots might be alien spacecraft.” Just say there are aliens, you cowards!

There has been lots of UFO talk as of late, especially during the pandemic. Even Obama has joined the UFO discourse, telling James Corden, “What is true, and I’m actually being serious here, is that there is footage and records of objects in the skies that we don’t know exactly what they are.’’ I think I have a simple explanation: It’s aliens, baby!

A full version of the report — including formerly classified documents — is expected to be released June 25. Don’t get too excited, though, because it’s unlikely it’ll share any other firm conclusions. In fact, the inclusion of these previously classified papers is meant to dispel rumors of any government cover-up, per the Times.

Well, I, for one, welcome our alien overlords and their gorgeous spacecrafts.

Sounds to Me Like There Are Definitely Aliens