Spoilers abound for episode five, Upper East Siders. Also, everyone else. XOXO.
If I’m being honest, as the titular Gossip Girl would want me to be, I’ve kind of fallen out of love with the Gossip Girl reboot. I want a little more brain-off mindless fun and batshit craziness — I will never stop talking about the scene from the original series in which Hilary Duff sings Lady Gaga’s “LoveGame.” I want the teens to commit a bit more to being bad. However, this latest episode did manage to get my attention in the most lizard-brained way possible: by talking about ME! Kind of.
There is an entire New York Magazine subplot in episode five, and it would be criminal for this publication to ignore that. So let’s discuss. That way, in the reboot’s reboot in ten years, there can be a throwaway line where a child in couture says something like “LOL remember when the Cut shat on a New York Magazine researcher who tried to out Gossip Girl?”
To recap this week’s episode: Zoya meets a boy named Simon who says he is a student at Constance’s rival high school. They connect over their shared feelings of being outsiders — a.k.a. not bonkers wealthy — highlighting the fact that Zoya doesn’t feel connected to her current boyfriend, Obie, on that level. (Obie is essentially the Prince of NYC, with his real-estate-mogul parents owning much of the city, including Dumbo Hall, a fictional club likely inspired by Dumbo House.) However, any possible new romance is short-lived when we find out Simon isn’t a student at all but an adult man trying to uncover Gossip Girl’s identity. In fact, Simon is a researcher for New York Magazine. (OMG, I know her!!) Obie essentially out-journalisms Simon, using his connections (read money) to uncover Simon’s real identity. How the turn tables!
When confronted, Simon says he was “following a hunch” (journalism-speak!) that Gossip Girl is a Constance student. However, his boss, Nelly Yuki — as in OG Gossip Girl’s Nelly Yuki — finds out and verbally dog-walks him, saying, “No story is worth one’s reputation.” She continues, “Maybe a couple months transcribing podcasts for SBNation will remind you of that.” Devastating!
I have a few follow-up questions: In this universe, is Nelly Yuki editor-in-chief of the Cut? Okay, but can she be? Can I get a link to Simon’s NYMag archives? Is he also working on a DeuxMoi exposé? How do these full-blown adults keep passing as high schoolers? I’m pretty sure that to a 14-year-old, I register as an old aunt, not a peer. Most important, this means Gossip Girl is, like, obsessed with us, right?
The feeling can be mutual, babe! Maybe next episode, Julien is inexplicably featured in Vulture’s “Follow Friday.” Give me Luna’s Grub Street Diet. Have Max write a Sex Diary. What if … I’m actually Gossip Girl? Something to consider!