absolutely not

If They Put a Billboard in Space, I Swear to God …

Who will stop this man? Photo: Paul Hennessy/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Humans are really ruining everything, aren’t we? We’ve fucked up the Earth. We’ve allowed Matt Damon to keep talking. And now, we will ruin space as well. As Business Insider reports, we are mere months away from billboard advertisements in space.

Apparently, Geometric Energy Corporation (GEC), a Canadian tech and research start-up, is working with SpaceX, Elon Musk’s aerospace company/experiment in egotism, to develop a satellite that will have a giant pixelated screen on it. Because we cannot enjoy anything without commodifying it — even space — the screen will display advertisements, logos, art, and, inevitably, anime porn and cries for help. “There might be companies which want to depict their logo … or it might end up being a bit more personal and artistic,” Samuel Reid, CEO and co-founder of GEC, told Business Insider. Hmm, there might! Or the big space billboard will be used to reintroduce the cursed Spongmonkey ads from Quiznos and broadcast the inside of our buttholes.

Don’t worry, it gets worse! The satellite, dubbed the CubeSat, will have a selfie stick attached to its side. This way, they can film the display screen and provide footage to be streamed on YouTube or Twitch. A selfie stick in space! I am going to pass away!! If it’s any consolation, the space billboard will not be visible from Earth — only on the livestream and to all of outer space. Imagine, an alien life-form stumbling across our humble blue planet only to be greeted by Pete Davidson’s Smartwater ad.

Anyone will be able to buy pixels on the big space billboard, which sounds more like a threat than an opportunity. First, you’ll need to purchase dogecoin for Elon Musk reasons. Then, you’ll use the cryptocurrency to buy tokens, which will help you create your space ad pixel by pixel. There are five tokens in total: Beta for the X coordinate, Rhoe for the Y coordinate, Gamma for the brightness, Kappa for the color, and XI for the amount of time. Reid says the display will look similar to Reddit Place, which is to say, bad. “I’m trying to achieve something that can democratize access to space and allow for decentralized participation,” Reid told Business Insider. “Hopefully, people don’t waste money on something inappropriate, insulting, or offensive.” Haha, hopefully! Fingers crossed people won’t let their carnal desires override their brain and purchase pixels on the space billboard that read, “Me horny!!”

The CubeSat will be released in early 2022, and, I’m assuming, shortly after, the universe will release a big asteroid to hit the space billboard and destroy us all.

If They Put a Billboard in Space, I Swear to God …