Okay, Fine, I Will Get Pumpkin-Spice Drunk

Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photo: Anheuser-Busch

There is nothing left to say about pumpkin spice that hasn’t already been said. We love it. We hate it. We love to hate it. I guess that’s the reason Anheuser-Busch has decided to enter the chat and give us new PSL conversation fodder with Bud Light Seltzer Pumpkin Spice. To which I say … sure! Why not!

The PSS — my personal abbreviation for “Pumpkin Spice Seltzer,” which I am pronouncing “piss” — was inevitable, I suppose. In fact, hard-seltzer company VIVE actually came out with its own version last year. I’m assuming Bud Light saw that as an opportunity to further open the spiked PSL door, barreling in late like, “We would like to get people pumpkin-spice drunk as well!” According to the press release, Bud Light’s version of the spiked autumnal seltzer will have notes of pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla, making it “literally the taste of fall.” Literally, you say? Okay, if that’s the case, where are the old brown leaves? The pilled sweaters? The end-of-year ennui? Hmm?

But Bud Light didn’t stop there. Its PSS is part of a pack of fall hard-seltzer flavors that also includes Toasted Marshmallow, Maple Pear, and Apple Crisp. Ah, yes. A refreshing glass of alcoholic marshmallow water! As usual, each can is 100 calories, has less than one gram of sugar, and 5 percent ABV. Still, the question remains: Why? According to the press release, it’s all part of Bud Light’s mission to “disrupt the seltzer category.” Must we disrupt everything? Can’t we just have our dumb little hard seltzer in regular flavors like “fruit” and “different fruit”?

The PSS will be available starting September 6. In conclusion, these flavors are an affront to God, and I will absolutely drink all of them.

Okay, Fine, I Will Get Pumpkin-Spice Drunk