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Every Thought I Had While Watching Diana: The Musical

Photo: Netflix/YouTube

Hiya, mates. Our American fascination with the British monarchy continues with today’s debut of Diana: The Musical on Netflix. As the name suggests, it’s the story of Princess Diana’s life as a royal set to flashy musical numbers and imbued with big Theater Kid energy. Just my cuppa, luv!

Even more-than-two decades after her death, we are not lacking for new Princess Di content. There’s the forthcoming movie Spencer, which stars Kristen Stewart as Diana. There’s Netflix’s elder daughter The Crown, which recently cleaned up at the Emmys. I admittedly have never watched The Crown and my reasons are embarrassing: the colors look too muted, and it seems … kinda boring? My brain worms crave big flashy lights and four-part harmonies. Thus, Diana: The Musical is what I deserve

The show was supposed to open on Broadway March 31, 2020 but was cancelled for some reason? So now it’s debuting on Netflix before it actually hits the stage November 2. Below, every thought I had while watching Diana: The Musical.

I’d say “spoilers ahead,” but everything that happens in this show already happened in real life. So.

- OK, for starters, I did begin watching this at 7 a.m., which I do not recommend. I feel like this is going to be a lot to wake up to.

- Hmm, Princess Diana looks like she’s wearing a Hilary Clinton wig. The cut is similar to Diana’s real hair, but something is … off. I will be thinking about this wig throughout the show, likely missing key plot points.

- Ooh, they’re singing in British!

-Wow, I am learning a lot very quickly. Prince Charles dated Diana’s sister? People talked extensively about Diana being a virgin? (I’m guessing this was all already well-known, but I was in elementary school it actually happened — a brag about my youth!) Also, Diana’s 19 and Charles is 32?? Royal red flag.

- If you, like me, are unfamiliar with, unaware of, or just can’t remember the intricacies of Diana’s life, this appears to be a quick version of her Wikipedia page set to arena rock.

- Ah, the music and lyrics were co-written by Bon Jovi’s David Bryan, which makes a lot of sense. There better be a sneaky, little ‘woah-oh’ somewhere in this show.

- Well, Charles sucks already. Also, Camilla is just … always there?

- Barely ten minutes in and we already have one of my favorite performance tropes: an actor pretending to play an instrument. It’s during the number “This Is How Your People Dance,” which is about how Princess Di doesn’t want to be watching a stuffy orchestral performance — she wants that pop music, baby! Relatable! Regardless, fake-wail on that cello, Diana!

- Uh oh, we’ve already got a sneaky paparazzo in a trench coat.

- Wait, was Prince Charles a player? I’m dubious.

- The Welsh love Diana! And are bored by the Prince. Ha-ha, Charles!

- Oh, dang. Everything is going so fast. Diana gave birth to William, who looks to be portrayed by the fake baby from American Sniper. Now, Diana is mad about Charles’s affair with Camilla and just punched a mirror. And now, they’re brushing over her depression and self-harm. Ahh, too much, slow down!

- I need to de-stress via unnecessary Googling. Did you know the “house” next to Prince Charles and Camilla’s home is currently up for sale? It’s $10.1 million if anyone wants to go halvsies.

- Hold on, Diana actually did a surprise dance at the Royal Opera House?! Which one of you hid this from me?? Apparently, the real dance was to “Uptown Girl,” which I’m assuming they couldn’t get the rights to.

- Charles angrily sang to Diana, “all you’ve ever done is marry me” which is brutal. But Diana said, “serves me right for marrying a Scorpio.” The point goes to Diana.

- Sing, sing, sing. Lotta singing. Very little talking. I love it.

- Well, “Pretty, pretty Girl” is definitely my favorite number so far and will be stuck in my head for one hundred years. There’s an onstage quick-change! She’s in white Dior! And a black off-the-shoulder dress! Now, a red sparkly gown! Hell yeah, another quick change into a white, sparkly dress!! Diana is fashion now! I do wish they would have given us one outfit where she’s in jeans. Oh, well. I’m going to rewatch this scene 300 times.

- OK, who the fuck is James Hewitt, and why did he just rise up from below the stage shirtless on a fake bull? Uh oh, horny song! “You’ll dismount satisfied!” “Your royal highness, I think you’d adore my horse!” Okay, he may bang my perfect princess.

- Aah, there were rumors that Hewitt was actually Prince Harry’s father. He recently dispelled those rumors, but I only just learned about them and should get to do a little catch-up speculation.

- It’s very strange to watch a Broadway production without any applause. It’s also a little less distracting.

- Apparently, I’m not the first person to Google “did charles and diana ever actually like each other?”

- There is a whole number dedicated to Diana’s “feck you” dress. As there very well should be!

- Hold on, Charles and Camilla had this big ol’ “friendship” and the Queen didn’t actually meet Camilla until after the divorce? I guess that makes sense, but somehow seems improbable to me.

- Oh, it did get me when they said Princess Diana died. Her walking away to flashing lights is devastating. It is too early for me to be tearing up!

- Hmm, that was … fine! They better never do Meghan Markle like this.

Every Thought I Had While Watching Diana: The Musical