Does This Man Know How Childbirth Works?

Justin and Hailey Bieber Photo: Arturo Holmes/MG21/Getty Images

Justin Bieber loves having sex with his wife so much that he is almost never not talking about it. The latest incident: In a new documentary called Justin Bieber: Our World, he reportedly expresses a desire to “squish out a nugget” with Hailey, which is to say, have a baby with her. (One possible outcome of all that sex.) And soon! According to the Sun, a tabloid that has reviewed this footage, Bieber wants to start working toward the big squish by the end of 2021. Makes sense, but also, ew.

To be clear, it’s not the timeline — nor the thought of their future child — I take issue with here. Frankly I am a little surprised they don’t have a kid already. For me, the ick factor lies in the phrase “squish out a nugget,” which is now echoing inside my brain barn with upsetting resonance. As Gawker observes, “it sounds like he’s looking to take a tiny little poop” with his beloved spouse, or something similarly visceral. Laying an egg, maybe? And while I grimace even to say it, “squish out a nugget” sounds like it could also be a metaphor for climax itself. Though I have never given birth, I understand the process requires a lot of PUSHING and EXERTION and PAIN and BLOOD — it’s called labor for a reason! Maybe Mr. Bieber wants to look into this before becoming a parent?

Anyway, accuracy aside, “squish out a nugget” is an extremely gross way to describe childbirth, if not totally unexpected. (Recall the Biebers’ pet name for one another, “My little Goo Goo.”) But I’m nonetheless vexed that I can’t un-hear it. Sorry for doing this to you.

Does This Man Know How Childbirth Works?