the long fart

Do Not Fart Near Camilla Parker Bowles

Photo-Illustration: The Cut. Photos: Getty Images

Right now, a coalition of leaders across the globe are gathering in Scotland to discuss what scientists have called the most pressing issue of our time, also known as climate change. Yet one leader in attendance, Prince Charles’s wife, Camilla Parker Bowles, is reportedly fixated not on stopping the rapid decline of our planet but on a much more urgent matter of international concern: Joe Biden’s long fart.

Yes, it’s true: The Duchess of Cornwall is allegedly obsessed with telling everyone at the COP26 summit about a lengthy episode of flatulence Biden experienced in her presence. The Daily Mail reports that Parker Bowles “hasn’t stopped talking about” a fart Biden emitted during a conversation she was having with him. The fart was, per the Daily Mail’s source, both “long” and “loud,” and also “impossible to ignore.” Was it harder to ignore than the fact that scientists have called our current level of emissions a “code red for humanity,” something the leaders at this summit have done very little to change? Hmm? I guess so!

Also: Is there not a “discussing farts” section in the royal etiquette curriculum? I can’t believe Meghan Markle got in trouble for wearing nail polish and Camilla is allowed to do … this.

As a rule of thumb, I’d say that if the leader of a nation farts in front of you at a climate-change summit, please try to resist telling everyone about it, no matter how long or loud it is. I recognize this may be difficult, but truthfully, no one needs to know. Maybe the leader is stressed, or maybe they ate something weird, or maybe the world simply does not need to be burdened with considering the digestive tract of the U.S. president. We have enough on our plates without having to worry about what’s on Joe Biden’s.

Do Not Fart Near Camilla Parker Bowles