hoeing around in the garden

Huge Hot Spud Alert

The big hot potato is even bigger than this one. Photo-Illustration: The Cut; Photo: Getty Images

Congrats to lucky couple Colin and Donna Craig-Brown, who forked up a hottie while hoeing around in their back garden. The Craig-Browns are now the proud owners of the largest potato possibly in the world and certainly in New Zealand. Below, an image of the beefy boy, for which Colin built a special cart so that it can get around with ease. Its name is Doug, get it? A big bonjour to Doug:

Naturally the single weightiest question on your mind will be, How big? A whopping 7.9 kilograms, which is to say, over 17.4 pounds. In the AP’s estimation, “That’s equal to a couple of sacks of regular potatoes, or one small dog.” Colin and Donna were just out back pulling weeds when they found Doug chillin’ in the dirt — a surprise considering they hadn’t planted any potatoes. Colin initially thought the mass he’d unearthed was some kind of fungus freak, but after he scraped off some skin and tasted it, he pegged the discovery as a giant spud. “We couldn’t believe it,” Donna told the New Zealand Herald. “It was just huge.” Winkwinkwinkwinkwink.

To be clear, Doug has about two kilograms on the current Guinness World Record holder (British, crowned in 2011), and the Craig-Browns have submitted him for that honor. So, to recap Doug’s shiniest attributes: large; mysterious (how did Doug get in the garden? is Doug self-sown?) and apparently enterprising; potentially decorated; also pretty game, generally speaking? “We put a hat on him. We put him on Facebook, taking him for a walk, giving him some sunshine,” Colin informed the Herald. “It’s all a bit of fun. It’s amazing what entertains people.” On top of all of that, it really sounds like Doug is single, as no other potatoes were discovered in the vicinity. (Did Doug eat his soil-mates? Does it matter?)

Anyway, you’ll doubtless want to move on this man, seeing as he has allegedly become “a bit pongy” — read: mold, shrinkage — since his August disinterment. Colin has designs on turning Doug into vodka, so … get in line, lads.

Huge Hot Spud Alert