Come back. Anthony has a van now. It’s full of hot buttered rolls and hot beefy men, and it got him the fourth seat at brunch. He’s doing a really good job, but still. Your essence haunted this week’s And Just Like That …, an episode that was, no exaggeration, one of the finest short plays ever to be broadcast in the United States. It almost felt like you were there — even though you appeared only as those three bouncing typing dots on Carrie’s phone. No other artist has that power. So what series of events brought you back as an orb that radiates from every shot of this direct sequel to season two, episode six of Sex and the City?
This is a story that starts with hip surgery. Carrie needs it (despite her recent discovery of Salonpas) for an undiagnosed congenital birth defect discovered by Seema’s cousin Vikash, an orthopedist. (Once we were sent a package by accident that included only Diet Dr. Pepper, Lay’s Potato Chips, and Salonpas, and Samantha, it was a gift.) Since the surgery, Carrie has been peeing in Diet Peach Snapple bottles, wearing socks with sandals, and getting scammed by a PT clinic that is running a bait and switch where they give you a hot physical therapist named Travis and then tell you he’s not covered by insurance so you have to pay out of pocket. Of course, you hate to see a widow get taken advantage of like this.
Miranda was on duty to watch Carrie during the recovery. Instead, during Carrie’s “opioid nap,” Miranda lets Che, Carrie’s podcast boss, in with a bottle of tequila. They start pounding shots, lighting up, and having sex in the kitchen, such that they don’t hear Carrie wake up and wet her bed. After Che leaves to do stand-up in New Jersey, Carrie and Miranda get in a huge fight around a pee-soaked mattress. Miranda then explodes and says she’s not happy, hates her marriage, hates her life, and hates who she has become. Carrie finally stops berating her for making her sit in piss for what was only, like, two minutes when Miranda admits Che gave her the best orgasm of her life. Miranda vows to Carrie that she is not an alcoholic, but later, when she is fixing a drink and guffawing to Che’s stand-up in her kitchen, she realizes she drunk-ordered Quit Like a Woman, an alcohol-cessation book she had previously mistakenly accused Charlotte of sending her. Her negroni goes down the sink. We will forever remember Miranda’s bender, and it will be passed down from generation to generation through the art of storytelling.
Charlotte finds out via a Zoom meeting of the moms that Rose is now Rock and that Rock’s friend Ely, who used to go by Ellen, now goes by Scout. Charlotte and Harry were forced to watch a TikTok about it. While we don’t know if Rock has gone viral yet, we do know they were really funny in the school play and got snaps from moms LTW, Ainsley, Veronica, Deirdre, and Catherine. Go little rockstar. Also, Charlotte has been doing a lot of burpees because she read you need to be able to lift your heaviest child in case of an emergency, so she’s able to throw Carrie over her shoulder when she needs to pee in the hospital. This made us realize: Theresa Giudice is a Charlotte. But anyway, back to Rock: Harry and Charlotte meet with Rock’s teachers and get mildly accused of being unsupportive parents. On their way out, they reassure each other of their parenting skills while walking down a hallway toward a bright light.
You have also heard by now that Carrie taped her podcast while high on pills, and in an Easter hat, and told everyone how you spent a whole minute in her vagina getting her diaphragm out in 1999. She used your first and last name, and Charlotte insisted she text you to give you a heads-up. Carrie didn’t think it was a big deal because you’re in London, but Charlotte made a really good point that even though she’s not in London, she still reads the Daily Mail. You, of course, know that all press is good press, so we knew you wouldn’t be mad about it. This is why your response was not legal action but a simple, “I love that your vagina is getting air time.”
The episode ends with a three-month postsurgery jump where, presumably thanks to weekly deep-tissue lower-body massages from Travis, Carrie is back in her high heels. We won’t know what else has unraveled until next week. Has Miranda opened up her marriage with Steve, and if so, when she tells him, will he just nod while turning down his hearing aids? Has Charlotte come to terms with Rock being Rock? Did you ever respond to Carrie’s “I miss you” text? If the producers of How I Met Your Father and Queer as Folk want to avoid legal issues that could be very serious for them, they should by now have let you at least start discussions for an appearance in season two. If you do come home, know that Anthony has a van and can pick you up from the airport.