problem solvers

Please Allow Cardi B to Help You With Your Holiday Shopping

Cardi B and Offset. Photo: CBS Photo Archive/CBS via Getty Images

Here at the Cut, we have compiled a gift guide for just about every kind of scenario and recipient you can think of: last-minute gifts; gifts for the sibling going through their Saturn return; gifts for an employee whose phone is always dying; gifts for the scent-obsessed; cozy gifts — the lists go on. But there will always be those people who remain resolutely impossible to buy for. Maybe they habitually “don’t want anything” or will just get it for themselves if they do. Maybe their interests feel too niche to satisfy via a product roundup. Maybe the two of you have been locked in an escalating exchange of increasingly extravagant presents for years and you are running out of ideas for how to outdo yourself as well as the other person. If you find yourself in this boat, please stop tearing your hair out, because Cardi B is in there with you, and she has solutions.

Cardi’s husband, Offset, turned 30 on December 14, obligating Cardi to get him … something. But what? “Babe, I feel like you have everything,” the rapper explained onstage at the party she threw for him; he has “every motherfucking car,” lots of jewelry. And she should know, given that they have been engaged in a game of gifting one-upmanship for half a decade: Before their coupledom was even confirmed, Offset bought Cardi a $60,000 chain; for Valentine’s Day 2018, she countered with a custom necklace valued around $250,000. For her 27th birthday, he came back with a million-dollar replica of the Titanic diamond, set as a ring. For his 26th birthday, Cardi got Offset a Rolls-Royce; for her 28th birthday, which occurred while they were in the midst of a since-aborted divorce, he got her one too. Most recently, on the occasion of her 29th birthday, Offset gave Cardi a whole mansion, and, well, “What do I get somebody that gave me a motherfuckin’ house?” Cardi wondered to the audience before answering her own question: “Shmoney gang.” And then out came the XL novelty check, $2 million from Cardi B (address: 1111 Makin’ Money Lane) to Offset. Problem solved.

While no one is suggesting you can or should go handing out millions, I think the principle here remains the same. Want to give them something they will actually appreciate? Cash, baby. Unfortunately, we need money to live, so whatever amount you settle on, most people will be able to find immediate uses for it — paying down debt, buying groceries, picking out something they actually like. The same cannot be said for a technical vest or whatever. I hope this has been helpful.

Please Allow Cardi B to Help You With Your Holiday Shopping