If you’re looking to escape the hell of the New Years fitness propaganda, don’t go to Justin Timberlake’s Instagram page. Because you will find something worse: couple’s fitness propaganda. “Swolemates,” Timberlake wrote alongside a video of himself working out with his wife, Jessica Biel. “See you in 2022.” That’s going to be a no for me, Justin.
There’s nothing wrong with working out, or working out with your partner, but I have a couple notes. Must you share it on Instagram? Must it be captioned “swolemates”? Must you bring up the new year, as if getting “swole” is something everyone should do every January? Truly, the only good thing about this video is that Biel is clearly way better at these exercises than her husband, and I respect that she is not afraid to kick his ass in a joint workout.
Look, it’s not a secret that celebrities workout — and often. It makes sense that celebrity couples would work out together. But what, pray tell, is the point of sharing it with all of us? We get it, you’re not single and you’re fit. Good for you.
Let this be a lesson to all the Timerblakes and Biels, the Tom Bradys and Gisele Bündchens, the Carrie Underwoods and Mike Fishers: if you are compelled to post a couple workout post to your social media, please keep these ground rules in mind.
- No punny captions using popular slang — aka “swolemates.”
- Try to make the workout relatable and silly. (Hint: If you’re in a super expensive looking home gym with a personal trainer during COVID, that is not relatable.)
- Avoid negative diet and weight loss language in the caption.
- Don’t lift each other, it’s weird.
- Always ask yourself this final question: Are you Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade? No? Put the phone down.