Welcome, lovers. The time to express our affection in confectionery form is here. Sweethearts, those chalky heart-shaped candies, recently announced the new candy-heart messages for Valentine’s Day 2022. This year’s theme: words of encouragement. They are, in my expert opinion, bad.
As you might recall, we were without the official conversation heart candies for a couple of years after parent company Necco went out of business. (In addition to its candy hearts, Necco was best known for those wafer candies that tasted like crunchy dust.) However, after being bought by Spangler Candy, the Sweethearts we all know and love (or love to hate) came back last year.
Many of this year’s “words of encouragement” read like exhausted email greetings. I’m surprised one of the 16 new phrases isn’t “Hope This Finds You Well.” Without further ado, here are the new candy hearts’ phrases for this Valentine’s Day, ranked from best to worst.
1. Go Time
This is the best new addition to the lineup solely because it could be interpreted as horny. Especially if paired with a candy heart that says “Wink Wink.”
2. Super Star
Love a simple, straight-up compliment like the hearts that say “Babe” or “Cutie Pie.” Candy hearts are at their best when they’re telling me I’m pretty.
3. Youda Best
This is perhaps my most controversial take. However, I love this little guy because it comes with an implied backstory. Sweethearts could have gone with “U da Best” or “Ur the Best” or even just “The Best.” Instead, we were gifted “Youda Best,” which I can only read with my strong, native Wisconsin accent. Gorgeous, hun!
4. Proud of U
Wouldn’t u love to receive this from ur Valentine post-coitus?
5. Big Fan
Makes me feel like a celebrity.
6. Crush It
Crush what? This piece of candy? Don’t tempt me …
7. Go 4 It
I am mostly unmoved by this message, though I will award extra points for including 4.
8. Be You
Now we’re spelling out the word you? I need consistency in my candy messages.
9. Fear Less
No, not fearless. Fear. Less. Help. Me.
10. Good Job
Imagine dumping out a box of candy hearts only to find that every single one of them reads “Good Job.” I’d feel threatened, not encouraged.
11. U Got This
Perhaps a fun new way to tell someone you have COVID. Otherwise, no.
12. Way to Go
Had this been written as “Way 2 Go,” I would have ranked it higher. As is, this phrase feels sarcastic, and I do not need my candy mocking me.
13. High Five
A sexless message from a sexless candy.
14. Don’t Quit
I would have preferred “Leave Your Job and Move to France.”
15. Chin Up
Absolutely not. Let me wallow, Sweethearts!
16. Push Thru
If someone handed me a candy heart that read “Push Thru,” I would commit arson.