The first step in reviewing a bologna face mask is accepting that it’s going to be bad for everyone. Earlier this week, Oscar Mayer released a limited-edition sheet mask made to look like a slice of bologna. This prompted many questions like “What?” and “Why?” and “Does it smell like bologna?” and also “What?” It sold out in less than 24 hours. Fortunately, Oscar Mayer kindly sent me one to test out. (Meat influencer status!) While I cannot promise you any answers, I can give you a bit of insight into what wearing something that looks like meat does to your psyche.
To address what I’m sure are your first two questions: No, the face mask is not actually made of bologna nor does it smell like bologna. The sheet mask, which was priced at $5, was made in partnership with Seoul Mamas, a Korean skin-care company. Like other hydrogel face masks, it promises to be hydrating and to promote skin elasticity, and it’s made with things like witch hazel and seaweed-derived ingredients. Unlike other face masks, it looks like a piece of bologna.
To prep for the mask, I washed my face per usual and had a moment of gratitude for all the choices I made in the past that brought me to this moment. I pulled my hair back with two little claw clips because I’m not a monster. (Every time I see a skin-care routine video in which someone doesn’t pull their hair back at all, I become the mother of a middle-schooler. Pull your hair out of your face. You look ridiculous.) The mask is moist (sorry!) but isn’t covered in product like some sheet masks. Which, thank God. I draw the line at goopy bologna. There’s no scent, though it’s hard not to see the vomit-pink color and think meat. It’s recommended you leave the mask on for ten to 20 minutes. I decided to leave it on for the full 20 because I’m worth it.
Putting something that looks like meat on your face awakens something primal in you. It feels simultaneously unnatural and like this is what I have always been meant to do. I am sure this is someone’s kink.
I accidentally left the mask on for 30 minutes because I kind of forgot about it. Also the mask felt good, and I got distracted rewatching one of my favorite videos on the internet: ham face girl. I’m not sure if my skin looked any different than it did before, but I definitely felt different. You cannot put fake bologna on your face and remain unchanged.
Though you may not be able to experience the bologna face mask for yourself — as I mentioned, it’s already sold out — I’m sure this will prompt other bizarro food collaborations. I mean, we’ve already had Panera selling “Soup” swimsuits and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese ice cream. A bologna face mask was inevitable.
I ended my mini-spa morning with a nice snack.
(Just kidding. The mask is not edible. Do not eat the forbidden food.)