Give Me the Goth Space Diamond

This could be you holding the goth space diamond! Photo: Giuseppe Cacace/AFP via Getty Images

I am a woman of simple pleasures, such as leisurely sipping coffee in the morning and obtaining this huge black diamond from outer space. On Friday, Sotheby’s will be auctioning off a large black diamond named the Enigma. (Sounds like a professional wrestler. I love it even more.) So, I ask, who will buy me this fancy space rock?

The diamond is 555.55 carats, a number that means nothing to me. It’s like saying the sun is 93 million miles away or the Rock eats 800 pounds of fish a year. My brain cannot comprehend such numbers. So for better context, the space diamond is roughly the size of a lumpy golf ball and weighs about as much as a Quarter Pounder. It also has 55 facets (jeweler-speak for “flat surfaces”).

Black diamonds are also known as carbonado, which sounds like carbonara. Molto bene! This particular black diamond is thought to be a product of a meteorite colliding with Earth, though experts are unsure of its exact origins. I love my big gems with a little mystery!

The diamond is expected to sell for at least $6.8 million, a fine and normal amount of money! For comparison, Beyoncé’s engagement ring is worth about $6 million. And Grace Kelly’s iconic engagement ring, which was priced at $4 million in 1956, is now worth over $38.8 million. This goth space diamond is a bargain!

This all begs the obvious questions, What does one do with a big space diamond? Summon a space prince? I, of course, have some possible uses for the humongous diamond, should whichever little billionaire who inevitably buys it need some ideas:

- An engagement ring for Pete Davidson
- A down payment on a superyacht
- An offering for when the aliens come
- A light dinner (Let me take a little bite of the diamond!)
- A life partner for Rocco, Elmo’s rock nemesis
- A gift for me, a worthy recipient

Congrats to whoever gets their grubby hands on this gorgeous relic from space. (Hopefully me!!!)

Give Me the Goth Space Diamond