Every Thought I Had While Watching Marry Me

Photo: Barry Wetcher/Universal Studios

It’s a tale as old as time: One music superstar gets engaged to another. He cheats on her. So she marries a stranger during the middle of a concert. At least, that’s the premise of Jennifer Lopez’s new romanic comedy, Marry Me. The movie is like a musical version of TLC’s Married at First Sight … plus Jennifer Lopez. J.Lo plays the aforementioned music superstar, Kat Valdez, and Colombian singer Maluma plays Bastian, her cheating fiancé. Also, Owen Wilson is there, playing the stranger Kat marries during one of her concerts. Pop music and odd-couple shenanigans ensue!

Marry Me comes out in theaters on February 11 and will be streaming on Peacock. Is it worth your time, money, and/or risk of COVID exposure? You can decide for yourself after reading all my thoughts on the movie. I recommend going through this list while listening to this song from the soundtrack on repeat. Cue music.

Spoilers ahead, but, I mean, this is a rom-com. You can probably guess the entire plot of this movie.

- Starting off strong with a J.Lo dance number. J.Lo’s character is, of course, not named J.Lo, but I legally cannot call her anything other than J.Lo.

- J.Lo is engaged to fellow singer Bastian (Maluma). She’s being sent engagement gifts from fans, and one person gave her a stove. Should I send Rihanna a microwave to congratulate her on her pregnancy?

- Owen Wilson has entered the chat, and he is … a divorced math teacher? Believable. And he coaches a mathletes team called the Pi-thons, which is incredible writing. 10/10.

- A fun thing about me: My husband is a middle-school math teacher, and I will be staunchly criticizing any and all of this movie’s references to math, middle school, etc.

- Sarah Silverman also teaches at his school. I bet she’s an English teacher. Oh, just kidding, she’s a guidance counselor. I wonder if she has to be part of the students’ sex talk like my middle-school guidance counselor.

- So a major plot point of this movie is that weddings can be content for social media. Do I hear #weddingbells for Bennifer?

- Some facts about Maluma: He is very cute and a full 25 years younger than J.Lo. Perfect.

- While I was Googling Maluma’s age, I learned that this movie is based on a graphic novel. Watching this film counts as reading a book.

- J.Lo is preparing her wedding vows for her forthcoming public nuptials to Bastian/Maluma. She wants to quote a Keats poem. Brave! Keats died at age 25, the same number of years as the age gap between Maluma and J.Lo. Easter egg??

- Time for a pop-star wedding in a sold-out arena! J.Lo starts with a song called “Church,” which is a good song in the A Star Is Born’s “Why Did You Do That?” sense. Her backup dancers are dressed as horny nuns, and J.Lo is in an outfit that can only be described as “gorgeous, naked saint.”

- Meanwhile, Bastian was caught cheating and exposed by “Page Six.” Uh-oh! We are getting closer and closer to a blockbuster movie using DeuxMoi in a major plot point.

- J.Lo has changed into her wedding dress mid-concert and looks like a Christmas Barbie ornament. But then she learns about her fiancé’s infidelity while on stage. She looks sad but still glamorous. Now, she’s giving a speech about love being a lie. If only someone could change her mind …

- Owen Wilson is at the concert with his daughter and Sarah Silverman. He is somehow the only person holding up a sign near the front of the audience. This is also how my husband and I met.

- Okay, J.Lo and Owen Wilson are getting married on stage. It’s all happening so fast! An ordained backup dancer asks if Owen Wilson will take J.Lo as his wife, and Owen Wilson goes, “Okay.” Okay?!? Regardless, his outfit is exactly what every Chaperone Dad wears to a concert: layered shirts, slacks, and sensible shoes.

- It feels illegal to watch Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson kiss.

- Great news! Owen Wilson is 53. A movie couple with a minimal age gap? Groundbreaking.

- The news of J.Lo marrying a rando is spreading! It’s all over late night! Jimmy Fallon’s fake monologue jokes are perfectly terrible. Also, we’ve learned that Owen Wilson still has a flip phone. Humiliating!

- Owen Wilson (whose character’s name I refuse to learn) does not want to take $5,000 as compensation for this fake marriage. I would make my husband take $5,000 to fake-marry and divorce literally anyone.

- Oh, his character’s name is Charlie.

- The most unrealistic thing about this movie so far is Owen Wilson’s ability to be chill during a press conference despite no media training. Also, is J.Lo’s team going to give him a makeover or what? I am bored with his blazer-button-up combo.

- Now, J.Lo and Owen are going on a date to be photographed by the press. The date is at a bowling alley — the second most unrealistic plot point. Afterwards, the two of them go back to his place and J.Lo’s people are just … letting Owen Wilson be alone with her? This man could be a serial killer!

- How the fuck does Owen Wilson have this big apartment on a teacher’s salary, and why does his apartment have a swing in the living room? Also, he has a bulldog, which leads me to believe that J.Lo is currently covered in dog hair and drool.

- Something I can confirm about middle-school math teachers as portrayed by Owen Wilson: They do go to bed at, like, 8 p.m. I also can confirm that middle-schoolers are extremely excited to talk to a teacher’s spouse regardless of whether they are a world-renowned celebrity or not. Once, I went to my husband’s school to talk to his kids about writing, and the question they asked me most was, “What’s the weirdest thing Mr. Taylor does?”

- Owen Wilson keeps telling his students, “If you sit in the question, the answer finds you.” This is … not math!

- He invited J.Lo to his school’s semi-formal. Isn’t this a middle school? Do middle schools have semi-formals? J.Lo has chosen to wear a pink chiffon gown with an exposed chest plate. She would absolutely get dress-coded in real life.

Photo: Barry Wetcher/Universal Studios/B) 2020 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. All Rights Reserved.

- Some of these students are in tuxes? How old are these kids? 10? 17? This is not what my middle school dances looked like. All my classmates were in T-shirts and jeans, and I used blush as eye shadow.

- Ooh, a private J.Lo concert at the middle-school dance. One of the teachers is accompanying her on guitar, and everyone is clapping on the ones and the threes. Perhaps this movie is not a comedy but a tragedy.

- Okay, we’re post-dance, and J.Lo is going back to Owen Wilson’s apartment. They’re definitely going to fuck. Owen Wilson is wooing her with stories about watching the musical Camelot with his mom while they listen to “If I Ever Would Leave You.” Are these two going to fuck to Robert Goulet?

- This movie is too long. All movies are too long.

- Well, they fucked (off-screen), and now J.Lo is wearing his shirt and eating a green apple. Very PG-13 horny.

- Aw, they’re going on a poor-person date. (Eating Chinese takeout while sitting on the floor and drinking wine from the bottle.) Also, J.Lo’s character doesn’t know how to use a blender?

Photo: Barry Wetcher/Universal Studios/B) 2020 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. All Rights Reserved.

- Okay, we’re back in Owen Wilson’s classroom, and his students are excited about him getting famous. Cute! But then one of his kids says he needs to make a “webpage,” and now they’re on Help!

- J.Lo showed up to his school after the kids left, and now things are getting horny. I would literally never get freaky in my husband’s classroom. It smells like pencil shavings and hot lunch.

- I wonder if we’re ever going to meet Owen Wilson’s ex-wife and her new partner, Dave. He sounded cool.

- Uh-oh, Owen Wilson and J.Lo broke up because their lifestyles are — can you believe it — too different. J.Lo is playing the piano sadly :’(

- We’ve reached the “broken up and figuring things out on their own” montage part of the movie. J.Lo can use a blender now!

- So, J.Lo wrote a sad song about Owen Wilson, the song is rising on the charts (music lingo), and now she realizes how much she misses him. She’s going to do the classic movie move where she drops everything to take a flight to see him. Except she has to fly in coach. Barf!

- This movie is pulling a Mean Girls with one of the final climactic scenes taking place at a math competition. Will Owen Wilson break apart a tiara and throw it into the crowd? Fingers crossed.

- Hmm, no tiara, but J.Lo and Owen Wilson got back together. The end!

- Bonus: They’ve interspersed the end credits with a bunch of (real?) couples talking about how they met. Unfortunately, no Ben Affleck cameo. What was even the point of all of this then??

Every Thought I Had While Watching Marry Me