hot potato

Am I Ready to Drink a Potato?

Photo: Iryna Melnyk/Getty Images

There are no words more sickening than “the next milk is.” With that in mind, it is my distinct displeasure to inform you that the next milk is potato milk.

I know. You thought all the hot girls were drinking cow’s milk again, and I did too, but it turns out a sneaky little root vegetable has conned its way into cartons everywhere. In the past few months, multiple outlets have deemed potatoes the next substance to replace lactose in our lattes and 12-gallon supermarket purchases.

Potato milk is made pretty much the same way all these concoctions are: You strain some kind of pulp out of the product (oats, almonds, seeds, etc.) and combine it with water and a few other mysterious ingredients. Why are people so eager to consume potatoes strained into a liquid and not in fried, mashed, or baked form? Apparently, potato milk is actually the most ecoconscious of all the many ecoconscious milks. Growing potatoes takes up about half as much land as growing oats, and uses one-56th as much water as almonds. (Dairy farms are notoriously bad for the environment, which is one reason we are constantly in search of a mylk that will satiate our thirst for lactose.)

If you want to make your own spud milk at home, you sure can, but soon you won’t have to: Dug, the only company that currently sells potato milk commercially, is apparently all the rage in Europe, and it’s expected Stateside any minute now. Like oat milk, Dug currently makes an original, unsweetened, and “barista” version of its potato milk. Are you enticed?

I can’t say I am, even after seeing Dug’s very trendy-looking carton. I’m sorry, but potato milk sounds way more revolting than any of the nut, grain, or seed milks that have filled our fridges in recent years. Is the milk starchy? Does it taste like a raw potato? Is it … related to vodka? You’ll have to let me know in two to four months when it hits Starbucks Reserve.

Am I Ready to Drink a Potato?