I have long adhered to the school of thought that billionaires should not be allowed to tweet. They have too much money to be funny, relatable, or make astute observations — the three pillars of Twitter — and should spend their money elsewhere (e.g., novelty key chains and Chinese takeout). Regardless, rich men are wont to do as they please, as evidenced by the fact that Elon Musk has officially purchased Twitter.
Yes, the richest man in the world just spent $44 billion on our silly little bird app. This is both an insane amount of money to spend on a website responsible for such hits as “the sheriff of suckin u off” and a pittance of Musk’s $273 billion net worth. Though, actually, Musk does not appear to have spent much of his own fortune on this totally sensible purchase — after becoming one of Twitter’s biggest shareholders earlier this month, he secured a loan of $46.5 billion in a bid to buy the company. As displeasing as this news is, it is a great opportunity to use the term hostile takeover, which I know only from watching Succession.
Musk has a bizarre history with Twitter. He has used it as a place to talk about his girlfriend being mad at him and to solicit “skit” ideas for Saturday Night Live. It is also, famously, where he announced that he would be taking his electric-car company private for $420 a share, prompting the SEC to charge him with securities fraud. Sounds like he will make Twitter a totally harmless app full of well-balanced people and definitely won’t put blunts in everyone’s avatars just for fun. I can’t wait to put my right to free speech in his hands!
Musk’s latest purchase joins such other classic wastes of money like:
- Jeff Bezos’s yacht that comes with its own yacht
- Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment, which she hated but bought anyway because she felt bad for her realtor
- NFTs, I think??
- Dinosaur skulls
- The mechanical bull in Drake’s home
Anyway, if you’ve been looking for a reason to free yourself from Twitter, this is as good as any.
