Please Keep This Mustache Far Away From Me

How does this mustache make you feel? Photo: Netflix

I recently watched Netflix’s The Gray Man, which features Chris Evans as Lloyd Hansen, an ex-CIA mercenary who goes rogue when his corrupt boss tasks him with taking out “Six” (Ryan Gosling). Lloyd’s look includes a lot of tight-fitting knit polos, sockless loafers, and one destabilizing pinkie ring. But the most unsettling thing about Evans’s character is the little triangle of facial hair that sits just above his lip, which will haunt me for eternity.

In the pantheon of notable ’staches, it could be worse. Unlike Justin Bieber’s persistent smattering of upper-lip fuzz, this mustache is robust, which is technically a good thing. You might argue that this perverted little mustache is doing nice things for Evans’s otherwise nice face, making him look hot in a twisted, so-bad-it’s-good way. But all I can see when I look at his face is one giant, singularly weird collection of facial hair.

No amount of bicep-hugging tees can make it look good. Photo: Netflix

After a viscerally uncomfortable period of mustache browsing on Google Images, I’ve concluded that this is a pyramidal mustache, which is an accurate geometric description but frankly an insult to pyramids everywhere. Pyramids are large, imposing structures built by ancient civilizations using complex algorithms too advanced for modern man to even figure out. Some of them are considered Wonders of the World. This mustache, on the other hand, is one of God’s most unholy creations.

Evans, it should be noted, seems to pride himself on the niche talent of growing mustaches for roles. In 2018, he grew a similar one for a play he was starring in called “Lobby Hero,” the goal of which was to evoke evil-small-town-cop energy. According to the Russo brothers, who directed The Gray Man, this new mustache was also Evans’s choice, and boy is he proud of it. In May, he posted a little before-and-after diptych to announce that he had shaved it off, something I can only imagine he honored with an elaborate candlelit ceremony.

If this installment in facial-hair history wasn’t offensive enough, Netflix is selling a stick-on replica of the mustache. It looks nothing like the real mustache, which extends much higher into the nostrils and is all around more bizarre. Maybe instead, Netflix could sell the nipple-baring sweater-vest Evans wore to this movie’s premiere? That I’d buy. 

Please Keep This Mustache Far Away From Me