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Every Thought We Had Watching The White Lotus Finale

Photo: HBO

Well, it’s over: The mystery of who dies in season two of The White Lotus has been solved. Did you guess how many bodies there would be? Did you know which of the guests at the Sicilian resort weren’t going to make it to the end of episode seven? Did you think Ethan would snap and kill Harper in a fit of passionate rage? Or that Daphne and Cameron might enlist their couple friends into what would turn out to be a murderous foursome? What about Portia, the depressed Gen-Z assistant to Tanya — would she and her new mysterious man, Jack, end up dead at the hands of Albie only for Dominic and Bert to be left to clean up the mess? And what on earth would go down with Mia and Lucia, the two sex workers irritating Valentina, the hotel manager?

When we began this journey seven weeks ago, we weren’t sure what to think. But now that we’ve finished the finale, oh boy, do we have some thoughts. From Portia’s outrageous outfits to the lines that were clearly written directly for an audience on Twitter, we unpacked our favorite and least favorite moments from this hotly anticipated finale. (How do you say “spoiler alert” in Italian?)

Catherine Thompson, senior editor, Power: Did anyone else find The White Lotus finale … underwhelming?

Danielle Cohen, blogger: I felt like it always runs out of steam …

Brooke Marine, deputy culture editor:  I felt the opposite! I was a little bored around episode three, thought it picked back up at episode five, and laughed a lot in this finale.

Danielle: I did think it was funny. I just feel like after so much buildup, it kind of fell flat.

Brooke: One thing I was annoyed by a little bit was that the rich-family trio were flying EasyJet. Unless they had to take a commuter plane to connect to Delta in Rome or Milan, why would they be flying a budget airline?

Catherine: I was laughing about the EasyJet thing! They have way too much money for this!

Danielle: I needed to hear more about Greg’s master plan.

Brooke: I think Greg gets nothing because Tanya already started filing for an annulment and then died mysteriously, and he’ll for sure be connected to that. Portia’s last outfit absolutely ended me. I love that Tanya won and then died. Poetic and ridiculous!

Olivia Truffaut-Wong, blogger: I just wanna say that my fanfic prediction is that Albie will waste all his money investing in Portia’s failed fashion line.

Bindu Bansinath, staff writer: Were there not any stairs on the yacht?

Danielle: I like that her last words were “You got this” to herself.

Brooke: She should’ve taken her shoes off! She was traumatized and drunk, poor thing.

Andrea González-Ramírez, senior writer: Her shooting the gun with her eyes closed is exactly what I would have done. Will miss her.

Brooke: Last season, she did say, “I’ve had every treatment, but death is the last immersive experience I haven’t tried.” Karma for screwing over Natasha Rothwell in season one!

Andrea: Also there were stairs! The dude who survived took them before jumping into the water LOL.

Danielle: Of course she couldn’t find the stairs.

Bindu: I half-expected her to revive in the water by some force of magic.

Danielle: At least Lucia and Mia truly won!

Brooke: Next-season location guesses? I think Maldives is too obvious since Cameron and Daphne mentioned going, but Bali — I could see it. I think they’re going to Asia. Big sweeping search for the self wrapped up in some light Eastern philosophy. Enlightened fans know.

Andrea: Dying to know if anyone will return.

Bindu: I want to see Daphne return on a girls’ trip.

Danielle: I was rooting for Daphne and Harper, although given how these couples turned out, I feel like they could still be friends.

Brooke: I want Portia to return. She and Albie are both clowns. My fantasy is Portia gets the money and has to fly to Bali to spread Tanya’s ashes and spends the whole season freaked out about death.

Danielle: I feel like she tries to monetize her near brush with death and no one goes for it.

Brooke: Is she smart enough for that? Unrelated, Jennifer Coolidge’s line delivery of the news about Jack and his “uncle” sent me.

Danielle: I know this line was written for Twitter, but it still got me: “Do you know these gays?”

Catherine: Do we think Cam and Harper had sex or no?

Brooke: I think more than just kissing but maybe not sex. I don’t know. Define “sex.” Just kidding. It’s vague on purpose — same with Ethan and Daphne.

Danielle: I think they fully had spooky cave sex.

Catherine: I like to think Daphne just gave Ethan a very specific pep talk on what he should do to Harper to make things spicy again. My annoyance with the ending partially stems from both those couples being fine.

Danielle: I really thought they would be murder-y.

Brooke: Isn’t that the point? That those types of people ultimately go through life never really changing or maturing? Because they have money and status to keep them afloat? They can’t even remember if they voted.

Danielle: They were the most compelling group, and I felt like they were kind of swept to the side at the end. I think that is why I find this show so unsatisfying.

Catherine: Ethan should’ve snapped!

Bindu: I thought someone was drowning in that ocean brawl.

Brooke: I think some people read the show wrong, like everyone on Twitter asking, “Why do they eat at the same hotel every night?” when that’s the point.

Danielle: The ocean brawl was such an annoying tease!

Brooke: I kinda liked it. Cameron laughing at the end …

Catherine: You know he’s a psychopath because that fight exhilarated him.

Bindu: Do we think Cameron knows his first son isn’t biologically his? The flossing scene …

Brooke: Maybe. I did think of how Danielle once said that Cameron looks like his breath smells bad.

Danielle: He’s angry flossing! That’s not a good technique.

Brooke: Speaking of teeth, Meghann Fahy’s teeth are perfect! Noticed them in the close-up when she’s talking to Ethan. That was Acting (capital A).

Danielle: She is an angel.

Brooke: Bold Type–heads knew!

Allison Davis, features writer: Sutton-hive really validated after this season.

Brooke: Speaking of crossovers, I am so happy the French guy who is also on Emily in Paris was involved in this season of The White Lotus. I know him as Luc from Emily in Paris, though I know that’s not his real name.

Bindu: “So many French sayings.”

Matthew Schneier, features writer: Are we supposed to understand that Tanya’s husband is having an affair with Quentin? Or was?

Brooke: I think something happened between the two, maybe not even entirely sexual or requited, but Quentin was gonna help Greg get that money.

Danielle: I also needed that plot more explicitly explained to me!

Matthew: Literally everyone on this show is a chaotic bisexual.

Brooke: As the good lord (Mike White) intended. I should rewatch Chuck & Buck.

Danielle: I know this isn’t the show’s style, but I wanted an obvious exposition monologue.

Matthew: I think the pacing of the season was off — there was so much kind of vibe-setting for multiple episodes, and then the end was so hasty. And seven episodes? Truly a random number.

Brooke: Last season had six episodes. I like an even number — give me six or eight.

Andrea: I also wanted a villain monologue!

Brooke: If you want monologues, you need to watch Enlightened.

Matthew: I wanted just a skosh more of evil-nephew story. What hole was he found in?

Andrea: I wanted just a “Greg says hi” or something because Tom Hollander is so fun, but I know that’s a different show.

Brooke: I will never watch Pride & Prejudice the same way again.

Matthew: I also did not find it believable that Harper didn’t check her email once. She is a high-powered lawyer.

Brooke: I love that Lucia’s “pimp,” Alessio, was actually just a bellhop at a nearby hotel.

Matthew: Next season: Natasha Rothwell opens a spa for sex workers in Siracusa, funded by Lucia. Am I the only one who feels for Albie? I feel like it’s embarrassing, but I do!

Brooke: You might be. He needed to get his ass kicked.

Matthew: But what an ass it is.

Danielle: I feel bad for him in the same way I feel bad for Michael Imperioli: in, like, a “Men are sad” way. I loved it when they all leaned over to check out that lady at the airport.

Brooke: I am sorry to report I kind of loved the horny grandpa. Oscar winner F. Murray Abraham did a great job.

Catherine: Albie has too much eager-puppy energy. His dad hit the nail on the head when he said, “How are you going to make it through life if you’re such a mark?” He needed to get taken down a peg.

Brooke: Taken down a peg or pegged by someone who was gonna take him down.

Matthew: $50,000 should get you at least that. (Sorry!)

Danielle: He didn’t even lose his own money.

Brooke: I’m a little sad for Portia because she left all of her clothes at the hotel. Wouldn’t that implicate her in the mysterious deaths?

Danielle: That’s good. Leave them there. Burn them. Although her incognito wardrobe is even worse.

Brooke: I’m obsessed with it. The scarf over the hat actually made me say, “Are you fucking kidding me?” out loud. I loved!

Catherine: Portia was channeling Tanya channeling Monica Vitti. I didn’t hate it!

Danielle: Put her in season two of And Just Like That … She’ll tell Carrie she worships her, and Carrie will be offended that she could inspire style like this.

Brooke: I want Lucia and Mia to take Valentina out on the town.

Matthew: The L Word: Sicily.

Brooke: One more thing about the outfits: Mia’s were worse than Portia’s.

Matthew: And the makeup.

Danielle: Why does she dress like a child?

Catherine: Mia’s outfits were awful. The dress she wore on the last night — what the hell was that?

Brooke: Her “GUCCI BAND” sweatshirt she wears when asking Valentina to let her play the piano …

Danielle: I felt a little queasy about it, like both girls were dressed to suggest you can’t have style without money.

Matthew: I liked Lucia’s outfits!

Brooke: Lucia has an innate sense of style.

Matthew: I did think part of it was supposed to be they only dressed from the hotel shop? It was unclear if they ever went home.

Catherine: There were a few Lucia fits I wish I could pull off in a vacation setting.

Danielle: I was also confused about that: Do they not have somewhere else to sleep? Why were they so desperate to stay at the hotel?

Catherine: The moneymaking opportunities. There were several references to an unemployment crisis in Sicily.

Danielle: It’s nice, but I feel like, couldn’t you go home to crash and then come back in?

Brooke: I’d stay at the Four Seasons every night if I could.

Catherine: Lucia was making good money when the men followed through with payment.

Danielle: Thank God Cam paid.

Brooke: I was so glad for that transaction to finally be complete.

Catherine: I would have loved to see Lucia and the bellhop hold up Cam in front of Daphne …

Danielle: Can’t aperitif your way through that one!

Catherine: Cam getting absolutely no comeuppance other than a hit to the jaw from Ethan doesn’t sit right with me. A little light mugging in front of his wife would have done the trick.

Danielle: That does feel very much in the show’s ethos, though — of course there are no consequences for him.

Matthew: I mean, he is raising his wife’s trainer’s baby. I don’t think there are no consequences.

Danielle: But does he know?

Matthew: Does it matter?

Brooke: I like leaving some room for subtlety.

Matthew: Next season, Valentina is recalled to WL Corp for retraining purposes. And it’s Severance. Or The Office!

Catherine: I did wish we got more Valentina. That woman has a chaotically rich interior monologue, I can tell.

Danielle: I think I need to rewatch The Bold Type now.

Brooke: Arrivederci!

Every Thought We Had Watching The White Lotus Finale