Every Thought I Had While Watching M3gan

Photo: Universal Studios

Hallelujah, M3gan has risen! The movie about a killer robot girl who literally slays (hold for applause) finally hit theaters this weekend. It was No. 2 at the box office, earning $30.2 million. Basically, babe, if you didn’t spend your weekend watching M3gan, what did you even do?

If you prefer your scary movies relayed to you through written text, I’ve got great news. If you do not want spoilers, please see yourself out. Here, every thought I had while watching M3gan.

- The movie opens with a fake commercial, something all horror movies should do as an amuse-bouche before the terror. This fake commercial is for Purrpetual Petz, a toy that looks like if a Furby had small human teeth and a terrible secret.

- If you’re curious about the tone of this movie: It opens with a fake ad for toy animals that fart and shit, and then, in the very next scene, an 8-year-old girl watches her parents die in a car accident.

- Now, Cady, the aforementioned 8-year-old, played by Violet McGraw, is going to live with her aunt, Allison Williams. Her character also has a name (it’s Jenna), but I will only be able to think of her as Allison Williams, star of screen and stage. (If seeing McGraw act morose seemed familiar, you probably saw her in The Haunting of Hill House.)

- Uh-oh, a dog in the first act. Sorry, bud, you’re going to die.

- Unfortunately, Allison Williams does not want to aunt. She only wants to robot and work. She doesn’t seem super bummed about her sister dying? But we all grieve differently; who am I to judge.

- M3gan, short for Model 3 Generative Android, has finally appeared onscreen. The audience is cheering, screaming, crying. M3gan is still in her early stages — the face skin that the development team bought for her just arrived! Hooray! Right now, M3gan looks like she’d eventually either evolve into Sophia the Robot or Jordan Wolfson’s (Female Figure). (One of the coworkers is Brian Jordan Alvarez! You’ve probably seen him in an Instagram video like this one with TJ, who I believe is the only good wife guy.)

- I wish they could have shown us a makeover montage for M3gan. I want to see her in a floppy hat! M3gan stans, sound off in the comments about what outfit you’d kill (get it?) to see M3gan wear. What do you think M3gan’s fans would be called? M3eganistas? Megan Thee Stallion’s fans are called Hotties so …Robotties?

- Great news! Allison Williams doesn’t need to parent because she has robots! In many ways, M3gan is a woman in STEM.

- Do you think there will eventually be a collab with M3gan, Annabelle, Chucky, and all the other murder dolls? A Marvel crossover for freaks.

- Alert! Alert! M3gan is singing! M3gan the Musical when? (Note after the fact: Here is that song, which seems to have been written for the movie?)

- Boss Ronny Chieng is going to invest big money into M3gan. A perfect idea. What could possibly go wrong with this disturbingly sentient AI? Apropos of nothing, did you know Bunny, that dog who learned how to “speak” using sound buttons, takes antidepressants now?

- Now we are at a Montessori-esque school for Cady. A classmate’s mom sees M3gan and has the only natural reaction: quietly confused and horrified. The robot friend in beta testing is going to be around a bunch of children — what could possibly go wrong?

- Even though you see M3gan running on all fours in the trailer, it is even better in context. M3gan enters horse-girl mode while chasing a bully. This movie is making me root for a preteen to die.

- Don’t worry, she just pulled his ear off. And then he rolled down a hill, got hit by a truck, and died. The movie didn’t show M3gan killing the dog — told you — but we did see a child get run over. David Lynch is right: Movies are only meant to be seen on a big, big screen.

- I audibly laughed at the cop laughing while talking about that kid’s ear being pulled off. For this reason, I would put M3gan in the comedy category for Best Movie at the Golden Globes.

- M3gan is singing again! Best New Artist at the Grammys? This time, it’s “Titanium” by Sia, sung as an a cappella lullaby. Real friends sing you a bedtime song and tuck you in.

- The company still wants to spend big money on M3gan despite her showing murder-y tendencies. M3gan is not a murderer; she is an anti-capitalist.

- At last, we have entered M3gan’s murder era. Her weapon of choice? Dance! And the blade from a paper cutter! A giant paper cutter is scary in the way a garbage disposal is scary. I will obviously not accidentally stick my hand in it, but what if I do?

- M3gan just killed two people and then stole a car. Get in, girlie, we’re going on a shopping-slash-murder spree.

- Back at home, she greets Allison Williams with a piano serenade. It’s either Martika’s “Toy Soldiers” or that Eminem song that sampled Martika’s “Toy Soldiers.” Allison Williams … starts to sing? Not really, but could you imagine? They’re beating the shit out of each other. I hate to see my girls fight!

- Of course, Bruce, one of Allison Williams’s old inventions, comes back to save the day. What do you think Bruce stands for? Big Robot U Can Evenkillwith? M3gan dies by screwdriver. She lived, she laughed, she sang three-and-a-half songs. Rest in power, M3gan.

- I don’t know if I need a M3gan sequel where Allison Williams’s countertop Alexa is bad now. Unless it is called Me4gan.

Every Thought I Had While Watching M3gan