There is no life experience Gwyneth Paltrow cannot Goopify: lighting a candle, famously, but also masturbating, owning a pet, changing your baby’s diaper, being sued in a court of law, even poop. Still, the latest move in her tireless quest to wellness-pill the rest of us is arguably her most surprising: Gwyn is renting out the guesthouse of her Montecito property on Airbnb, and no, the coffee enema is not included in the stay.
Joining Airbnb in a mission to “make the world a little less lonely,” as she explained it on her Instagram, California’s preeminent yoni-egg peddler is offering a one-night-only chance for two guests — or one, should you want to battle loneliness alone — to hang out in the tranquil serenity of the smaller building situated next to the much larger one she inhabits. (You may have seen it in Architectural Digest last year.) The lengthy list of house rules recommends all guests “get ready to get Gooped,” which sounds more like a threat than a promise, but to each their own.
While Gwyneth will not be covering the cost of her guests’ travel to and from her spare room, she will respect any dietary restrictions they may have. Goop guests will also enjoy a Transcendental Meditation session and a spa day — though it is not clear if the latter takes place in the property’s private underground spa, which lies beyond the bounds of the guesthouse. In a promotional video, Gwyneth showed off its wood-burning fireplace, a bedroom with “high ceilings,” a soaking tub, and all the “light and fresh air” a visitor can absorb without setting foot in her actual home. She also made a thrilling proposal to her would-be guests: Perhaps she and her husband could swing by for a “fantastic, cozy” “little chef’s dinner together in our wine room”? She will generously allow the lucky winner to “select whatever bottle of wine you like” from her collection, but do you think she’ll let them rummage through her Hermès plate collection for the table settings? TBD!
If, for some reason, you (as her hypothetical guest) reject her invitation to a double date in her wine cellar, Gwyn has custom-curated several other mind-expanding activities to aid you on your journey to buying more shit from Goop. There will be snacks, and also an Erewhon store’s worth of beauty products, including shampoo and conditioner, plus an exfoliating facial. “Your skin is gonna be better when you leave than when you came!” she singsongs ominously, waltzing through a sun-soaked marble bathroom that could be yours for one night in September.
Whoever lands this opportunity will also be allowed to park for free, use the guesthouse kitchen to cook all their non-Goop-inspired meals, watch TV, and enjoy the safety (and all-seeing eye) of 24-hour security cameras. They are strongly encouraged to stroll around gorgeous Montecito (maybe chancing an encounter with local godfathers Harry and Meghan?) and visit Goop’s nearby Rosewood Miramar store. There is no laundry or hair dryer, per Airbnb’s amenities checklist, nor can you bring pets or throw parties at the Goop guesthouse. Interested parties may want to set reminders for 1 p.m. ET on August 15, when the booking war for “Entire guesthouse hosted by Gwyneth” begins. Actually, the listing does not explain how exactly a guest will be chosen — perhaps a trial by (allegedly) vagina-candle-induced fire is in order?