i believe

Aliens, Show Yourselves

Photo: Rastan/Getty Images/iStockphoto

Despite preliminary signs that the government is, at the very least, seriously considering the possibility of extraterrestrial life, it remains unclear what exactly its stance is on whether the hell aliens are real or not. In July, a congressional committee heard out several elaborate testimonies from military veterans detailing UFO encounters and Defense Department coverups, though none felt inclined to share anything conclusive about their findings. A hearing this week in Mexico, where a panel of lawmakers heard from self-proclaimed UFO expert Jaime Maussan, turned out to be equally discouraging. This leads me to suspect something the government has probably known all along: The only way to truly know a thing about these flying-saucer passengers is if they come right out and make themselves known.

Per reports of the Mexico hearing, Maussan insists he found two alien corpses (which he says are, respectively, 700 and 1,800 years old) in Mexico in 2017 and presented his spindly little discoveries, which look suspiciously like E.T., during a congressional hearing. He was joined by former U.S. Navy pilot Ryan Graves, one of the two witnesses who testified to having an encounter with an alien object during the recent U.S. hearing. Maussan has alleged that he can prove his corpses came from outer space with DNA evidence, though he did not specify whether he plans to take such measures. Behold, his findings:

Unfortunately for these so-called alien bods and those who suspect they do indeed hail from outside our stratosphere, Maussan’s claims are looking increasingly doubtful. In 2015 he presented a similar creature as evidence of “non-human” extraterrestrial life, which turned out to just be a mummy of a human, earth-dwelling child. Anthropologists explained that the admittedly unnatural-looking shape of its skull was likely due to religious head-binding, not alien DNA.

Meanwhile, NASA is hard at work getting to the truth of the matter and not sharing it with the group. In a report released Thursday, the agency generously divulged that, after a year of research conducted by an independent team of experts, its official determination is that … more research is needed. In pursuit of that, they are hiring a new director to handle all things UFO (or, as NASA calls them, “unidentified anomalous phenomenon,” or UAPs). Still, they are not going to tell us who that is, because they do not want this new space czar to face harassment or threats.

In fact, the main takeaway of this so-called UFO research seems to revolve around not the potentially unearthly objects themselves but how members of the panel were treated by the public, which is to say not well. According to NASA, the researchers found themselves on the other end of a great deal of harassment, causing major disruptions to their work and therefore threatening the future of alien research as a whole. So if you were thinking about sending a mean email to one of the extraterrestrial scientists at NASA, please reconsider, okay?

NASA also stated that it does not believe any UFOs reported thus far have come from outside Earth, which leaves us with: a pair of probably-not-alien corpses, an anonymous Official Government Alien Guy, and an anti-cyber-bullying campaign. One NASA spokesman placed the odds of life on a planet similar to Earth “at least a trillion” — but out of what he did not say.

The way I see it, the onus is on the aliens now. Wherever they are hiding, whatever they want with us, the only way to know for sure is if they make first contact. They must let us know how many fingers they have, whether they like Beyoncé, and what they are planning to do about Jeff Bezos. Depending on their answers, I think we will all get along, no?

Aliens, Show Yourselves