Ladies, you go over to a man’s home and he has absolutely no furniture save an inflatable boat on which he eats, sits, and sleeps. Are you running or are you running? What if I told you that said man was Robert Pattinson? See, now you’re considering it.
The Batman actor was recently interviewed by Architectural Digest because he designed an enormous couch that looks like elephant ears. In the piece, Pattinson revealed that there was a period of his life in which his apartment looked like the worst REI in the world.
“There was a time when the only piece of furniture I had for about six months was an inflatable boat that would double as my couch, bed and dining table,” he told the magazine. “I loved it very much, but it caused a lot of back problems.”
Obviously this brings up a million questions. Did no one in Pattinson’s life love him enough to spend $200 on a twin bed and mattress from Ikea? When exactly was this? Was he a broke actor or was he a Twilight star being weird? AD does not ask any follow-ups, which is tantamount to journalistic malpractice.
If this sounds too good to be true, it just might be. Pattinson is, famously, a weirdo with a loose relationship to the truth. In a 2018 interview with his The Lighthouse co-star Willem Dafoe, the Good Time actor said that he gets “a certain high” from doing a little performance for a member of the press.
“There’s a little gremlin inside of me that thinks, Just say something shocking. You’re only here for a few minutes, say something terrible. There’s a kind of perverse glee I get from that. But I’ve given my publicist a number of heart attacks,” Pattinson said.
Let’s not forget some of his greatest hits. There was the time he told Matt Lauer that the first time he went to the circus one of the clowns died. The time he claimed to not be working out for his role as Batman. I maintain that his infamous pasta pillow was complete hogwash, but he seemed to sincerely double down on that one last year. Is the inflatable boat another one of his lies? We’ll probably never know. All that’s certain in this moment is that people are loving Pattinson’s couch. He’s already working on a matching table and chairs … allegedly.