so you want to be president

Horniness for Jay Inslee Is a Renewable Resource

Jay Inslee. Photo: Jim Watson/AFP/Getty Images

The two CNN Democratic primary debates this week were, by and large, a national embarrassment — the over-the-top, NFL-inspired intros; Jake Tapper allowing each of the 86,000 candidates onstage to speak for no more than two billionths of a second; Joe Biden. But there were some brief glimmers of light: Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders teaming up to promote bold, progressive policies; Marianne Williamson alerting us to the existence of “dark psychic forces”; and the discovery that — oh … Washington governor Jay Inslee is hot as hell.

Up until now, Inslee has been lost in the sea of indistinguishable men running for president, their blazers and ties and graying hair all blending into one, forgettable mass. But during the second debate, that changed. I don’t know if it was the Clark Kent glasses, or his continued commitment to addressing climate change, or the fact that people were so collectively exhausted by six hours of watching candidates shout at each other that they were desperate for something, anything good, but on Wednesday, Inslee distinguished himself.

By being sexiiiii!

Inslee has the energy, jawline, and broad shoulders of the hot high-school quarterback who is also nice and invites everyone to his parties, even the nerds. He looks like a retired superhero who is taking it easy now but can still lift a midsize sedan over his head. He’s the hot neighbor who would help you carry your groceries up to you apartment, and then be like, “Oh, your sink is broken? I can fix that no problem,” and he rolls up his sleeves and wipes his brow and gets to work. He is dedicated to reversing climate change (hot), has a detailed “100% Clean Energy for America” plan (hot), and he paints (hot).

Some have been on the Inslee train for some time, like the Cut’s Bridget Read, who says she knew he was hot as early as his campaign announcement, “which was in front of a giant solar panel. That’s hot.”

“One of the hottest things about him is that he says we have to divest completely from fossil fuels by 2035,” Read says. “That’s also really hot.”

And while it is frustrating for early fans to see people jumping on the Inslee bandwagon, Read notes that “it’s the same with climate change. Like I’m glad you guys are horny for change now, but where were you before?”

Although Inslee is currently polling at under one percent, we can all commit now to a Clean Energy Campaign plan that involves fewer clips of Biden trying to read a url, and more of Inslee talking about renewable resources and staring directly into the camera, saying, “Hello Madeleine,” and winking. I don’t know, just an idea.