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The Chicest Summer Accessory Is a Water Bottle the Size of a Baby

Jonah Hill carrying a perfect hydration accessory.

Water. Have you heard of it? It’s really good according to a lot of famous people. It’s the supposed secret to everything that ails you — a fountain of youth you can gulp down every day. So can you ever have too much of it? Should you be carrying even more of it at all times? Does a 64-ounce water bottle solve all the problems of having to refill your small cup of water eight times a day? Below, a Cut chat, and of course, links to buy our favorite portable vessels.

Stella Bugbee, editor: Allison, yesterday I saw you in the bathroom like 20 times.

Allison Davis, senior writer: That’s because I now drink approx. 64–128 ounces of water a day, Stella.

Stella: On one of those trips I noticed your enormous water bottle that was like a big white sack of flour they give teens to carry around to pretend they are pregnant. It was really impressive but I was worried you were becoming a “prepper” or something.

Allison: You met “Sheila!” She’s a 64-ounce S’well bottle I’ve been carrying around for two weeks now.

Stella: Can I ask why you were carrying it to the bathroom?

Allison: I’m lazy, but I need to drink more water. I cannot handle both frequent trips to the bathroom and frequent trips to refill a small water bottle.

Stella: But that still doesn’t answer why you brought it to the bathroom with you.

Allison: I was refilling it in the bathroom! NYC tap water is still the most delicious water, be it from a kitchen sink or a bathroom sink, and the office kitchen is so far from the bathroom, which is already too far from my desk.

Stella: We should just install a cooler and a catheter at your desk.

Diana Tsui, senior market editor: A 64-ounce water bottle is genius. The big ones are especially useful on flights.

Stella: You bring them on flights? What do you do, ask the stewardess to fill them for you?

Diana: Of course I do! If you’re on a 16-hour flight to Hong Kong in economy, you can’t survive with a little-bitch water bottle.

Stella: But then you have to pee so many times in those gross bathrooms. It might be better to be dehydrated. I do really love the scale and look of these 64-ounce babies though, and I’m trying to figure out why.

Allison: People look at you funny when you carry one. I get all sorts of comments and questions.

Diana: You look like you’re about to hit the gym for a heavy-duty lifting session

Allison: Mostly “God that’s HUGE! How do you handle it?”

Stella: I definitely couldn’t stop talking about your thick water bottle like a total creep yesterday.

Allison: I’d like to point out that stylegawd Jonah Hill was spotted in clout alley carrying a 64-ounce water bottle. His, a white Hydroflask. This is no longer the hydration accessory of a protein-shake-swilling gym bro.

Stella: I love that photo of Jonah. He’s like a nurturing ostrich carrying his egg.

Allison: I love the self-righteous thrill of rushing into a place when I’m supposed to meet someone, beelining to the bathroom and then sitting down next to them like, “I’m so sorry, I just drink soooo much water now.”

Stella: What if we go even bigger? Start rolling in with one of those 2.5-gallon Poland Spring “fridge size” bottles? Just put the tap up to your mouth and try not to choke as it rushes into your throat.

Allison: Just get a water keg! Like this Bubba Sport Jug in 72 ounces.

Stella: The word Bubba reminds me of Bill Clinton. Not appealing.

Allison: I think the next level is one of those Gatorade gallon water coolers. That, plus some Nike Air Max sneakers and boom: You are clout king.

Stella: I’m very glad to be joining this new weird cult that both Allison and Jonah Hill are already in. Diana are you coming too?

Diana: I’m already there!

Allison: Joining this cult means you can never wear jumpsuits, sorry to break it to you.

Shop the Story

Simple Modern Summit Water Bottle
$18 at Amazon

Bonus: It’s on sale for Prime Day!

Corkcicle Canteen Water Bottle & Thermos-Triple Insulated Stainless Steel
$33 at Amazon
Takeya Actives Insulated Stainless Water Bottle
$55 at Amazon
Hydro Flask 64 oz Insulated Stainless Steel Leak Proof Water Bottle
$60 at Amazon
S’well Insulated Stainless Steel Roamer
$75 at Amazon

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Do You Need a Water Bottle the Size of a Baby?