sex diaries

This Week’s Sex Diary: The Polyamorous Farmer Looking for Lovers in the Off-Season

Photo-Illustration: Marylu Herrera

In this week’s story, a woman wonders if she needs to spend more time with her primary partner: 34, in a relationship, Oregon. 

DAY ONE

7 a.m. Get up to watch the sunrise. I’m staying in a hot springs resort for a few days with my dog — I came out here to decompress after the busy summer farming season. I’m a farmer — I run my own farming business out of a small farm and sell organic veggies, mostly at farmers markets.

8:30 a.m. Take some time to journal about a couple dates I had recently. I can get too attached and then I feel sad when things end. I’m working on that by writing lots of affirmations for myself. I don’t know if it’s working but I do it anyway!

11 a.m. Soak in the springs one last time before reluctantly packing up, checking out, and starting the drive home. My partner, Mike, texts me. His father is sick and he’ll need to spend most of the day taking care of him. Dang. He’s stressed. I try to be supportive but it’s sometimes a lot.

11:30 a.m. Send Mike a nice text while I stop for gas. We met online, have been together for six years, and living together for five. We’ve been non-monogamous from the very beginning, but I don’t do much dating during the summer. Now, it’s kind of like winter break for the farm business, so I’m getting a lot of dating in.

4 p.m. Stuck in traffic. I send a text to Jake, a guy I met on Feeld last week. He’s tall and brooding and may be the hottest man I’ve ever slept with. He’s 52, so he’s also the oldest. I really want to see him again. The one night of sex we had was so passionate I stayed wet for an entire day afterward.

9 p.m. Home to a cold, dark, messy house and Mike feeling down about his dad’s health situation. I get a text back from Jake saying he won’t be available this week but will be around the next week. My family is visiting then, so it’s not going to work. I’m unreasonably sad about this. After talking with Mike about everything he’s going through with his dad, I mention I won’t be seeing Jake again. He is sympathetic but focused on his own problems.

DAY TWO

9 a.m. It’s the weekend, but I wake up feeling sad. I text a bit with Kenny, someone I met on Feeld for coffee last week. We have good chemistry and are both non-monogamous with long-term partners but don’t have much else in common. I’m feeling ambivalent but we schedule another date anyway.

11 a.m. Talk with Brent on the phone. He’s so kind — we have an amazing connection and great sex. I’ve known him longer than Mike and we thought seriously about being long-term partners, but there are some big incompatibilities between us. For one, I’d like to have kids at some point and he already has three.

1 p.m. Time to get a little bit of work done on the farm. I spend some time working in one of my greenhouses weeding my winter crops — it’s mostly lettuce mix, arugula, and kale this time of year.

5:30 p.m. Visit Mike’s dad, get takeout, then call it an early night. We both feel tired.

DAY THREE

11 a.m. Mike and I spend the day together with our dog going on an adventure in the wilderness. There are amazing rock formations in a little-known area of the Cascade Mountains that can only be reached through unmarked trails deep in the woods, so we go to look for them.

3 p.m. We get close but don’t quite reach our goal before the daylight runs out.

5:30 p.m. On the way home, Mike says out of nowhere: “I’m your adventure partner. These other men want that from you, but I’m the one who gets it.” Huh. It’s a random thing to say and I wonder if Mike is feeling jealous.

8 p.m. Mike and I talk about our plans for the future. We want to have a baby at some point soon. I know Mike will make a great father. I express how grateful I am that he’s been supportive of me going on dates recently, but I think it’s affecting our sex life — he hasn’t really wanted to have sex lately.

DAY FOUR

9 a.m. It’s Monday, but I don’t even try to get any work done. I have enough going on — two dates, errands, therapy, dog walking.

12 p.m. My first date is with a graduate student at a coffee shop. We get coffee to go and take a walk. He’s a tall, half-French guy, which I like, but our chemistry isn’t off the charts, then he reveals that he’s three years older than his online profile said. I’m a little put off, but he says it’s an online-dating thing, which I guess is fair? Anyway, we hug good-bye and tentatively talk about hanging out later in the week.

2 p.m. Therapy. I don’t tell my therapist about my dating life. I just don’t want to get into it today. We mostly talk about my anxieties about my family coming to visit next week …

4:30 p.m. Get to the restaurant where I’m meeting my second date of the day, Kenny. He’s attractive and sweet, but then he asks me why I don’t drink alcohol. I say something about my health and stuff a bunch of fries in my mouth to avoid further questions. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I’ve been sober for five years. It’s just difficult to share on a first date. Luckily, Kenny doesn’t pry.

6 p.m. We hug good-bye for a long time. He puts his chin on top of my head and pulls me close. I can tell we would have steamy sex. We quickly kiss good-bye, which is nice, but then he says: “You taste like Christmas!” It’s so cheesy it ruins the moment for me.

7:30 p.m. Third date of the day, technically, with Mike, to see a movie. We get popcorn and snuggle in the theater.

DAY FIVE

9 a.m. Wake up excited. Tonight, I’m meeting Brent at a cheap hotel for a night of sex. We usually meet halfway between us so neither one of us has to drive too far.

11 a.m. Go for a run with my dog.

4 p.m. Get ready to drive to the hotel. Mike needed my car, so I’m running late and don’t get a chance to shower and pretty myself up.

6:30 p.m. In the hotel room. Brent walks in and gives me a big hug. Although we text and talk a lot, I only see him a handful of times a year so it feels special.

7 p.m. I give him a long back massage which turns into him eating me out for what feels like hours. He does not care that I haven’t showered. After making me come twice, he gives me a hard pounding that makes the bed move about two feet away from the wall.

9 p.m. We go out to get Indian takeout, then collapse into bed, falling asleep snuggled up together.

DAY SIX 

6 a.m. Brent leaves early to go to work. I stay a little longer in bed and make myself come thinking about last night.

9 a.m. Back home, back to work.

1 p.m. It’s a really nice day out. I get more done on the farm — weeding and checking on the crops I’ll be selling in the spring. Then I take my dog out for a long walk.

6 p.m. Quiet night in with Mike reading a good book. I don’t talk much about seeing Brent. We’ve all hung out together several times, and Mike likes Brent well enough, but he doesn’t want to know details of our time together. Again, he’s interested in having sex tonight, and I find myself wishing we were more on the same page sex drive-wise.

DAY SEVEN

10 a.m. Wake up refreshed and looking forward to the day — I’m going to a party at a local dairy farm where I have a dairy share. We’re going to make fresh mozzarella and pizza. It’s extremely wholesome.

2:30 p.m. Okay, it’s freezing and making mozzarella is taking a long time! I want pizza! I check my phone and see that the graduate student says he can hang out tonight.

7 p.m. Head over to the graduate student’s place. He’s just started making dinner, and we chat as he chops and dices. He’s making radicchio, gorgonzola, and mushroom pasta. Between cooking he kisses me, pressing me up against the cabinets.

8 p.m. The food is fucking delicious.

9 p.m. We take our post-dinner make-out session to the bed. He’s comfortable moving me around and being a little dominant, which I like. After he comes I expect to just cuddle, but he seems excited to touch me more. He makes me come with his fingers twice and then wants another round … Yes, please!

10:30 p.m. While cuddling, he says that maybe it would be fun to have a threesome with one of his other connections. I tell him I’m open to it, but I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed with how many people I’m juggling right now.

11 p.m. Thinking about the upcoming week and how to prioritize everyone and everything. I would like to focus on reconnecting a bit with Mike and finally admit to myself that I may have gone a bit overboard with this whole dating thing.

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The Polyamorous Farmer Looking for Lovers in the Off-Season