While at this point we may all know our love languages, actually talking to each other — as in real, deep, meaningful conversations — not so much. Whether you’re breaking out “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” on the first date or getting the unparalleled ick at just the thought of telling the person you’ve been seeing for six months how many siblings you have, figuring out how to successfully and sustainably communicate with someone can feel impossible — especially in those early stages of dating. The thing is, though, having intimate conversations is what helps us strengthen the bonds of our relationships. Kaylee Rose Friedman, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert, encourages people to have the big conversations right away. “If someone that you’re dating is not interested in having a real conversation, doesn’t know themselves well enough to be able to communicate what they want, or if they’re not interested in exploring those topics together, and you do, then right off the bat you have an incompatibility,” she says. “Some people are going to be really uncomfortable being vulnerable. You can work on building some trust and rapport with that person before diving in.”
Friedman looks to nonmonogamous relationships in understanding how to have more intentional conversations and takes inspiration from the nonmonogamy smorgasbord when asking deep questions. “There’s a lot of assumptions rather than intentional conversation,” she says of monogamous relationships. “I want to help people be curious about what they really want based on their values and what works for each person in the relationship, rather than falling into autopilot and doing what’s traditional or expected.”
Not every question you ask needs to be as serious as the first time you fell in love or your take on financial partnership (though we’ve got those in here). Sometimes it’s just as important to know your go-to karaoke song. Below, we’ve rounded up 60 questions to help you get to know your partner better.
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Dreams and the Future
1. What are some of the highest-valued things on your bucket list?
2. Do you want kids? If so, what are some of the values you want to instill in them?
3. Where is a place you’ve always wanted to travel?
4. What is something you want to do together that we haven’t?
5. Have you ever wanted to move anywhere else?
6. If you could gain one quality or ability, what would it be?
7. How do you see the future individually and collectively as a couple?
8. What does financial partnership mean to you, and how would you like to divide financial responsibility in a relationship?
9. What things do you look forward to each day?
10. How do you foresee us resolving our most persistent problems?
11. What are your goals for this relationship?
12. What are you hoping to learn in the coming year?
13. Is there anything you’re hesitant to accomplish that I can help you with?
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Favorites
14. What is your favorite film?
15. What was your favorite class in school?
16. What is your favorite book?
17. What is your favorite childhood memory?
18. What is your favorite memory of our relationship?
19. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
20. What is your favorite thing about me?
21. What is your favorite place?
22. What was your favorite date we’ve had?
23. What is your favorite TV show?
24. What is your favorite karaoke song?
25. What is your favorite way to communicate?
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Sex and Romance
26. How do you define romance?
27. What specific activities make you feel like your romantic needs are met?
28. How important is physical intimacy to you?
29. Are there sexual experiences you’d like to have or things you’d like to try that we haven’t tried yet?
30. What is your favorite type of nonsexual physical intimacy and are you satisfied with the frequency you receive it?
31. What was your first sexual experience?
32. When was the first time you fell in love?
33. What are the things you value most from the beginning of our relationship?
34. When did you first know you wanted to be in a relationship with me?
35. Are you satisfied with our chemistry and intimacy?
36. In which situations do you feel most secure in our relationship?
37. What makes you feel most loved?
38. What is your favorite meal to share for a date night?
39. What physical and emotional gestures do you appreciate most?
40. What song do you think of when you think of me?
41. What is the main thing that you think makes a relationship last?
42. What experiences and situations, whether yours or someone else’s, inspired your philosophy of love?
43. Do you want monogamy, and if so, how do you define it? What other relationship styles are you interested in, or would you consider?
44. How much time together vs. time apart do you generally need and want?
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Personal
45. What is the extent of your religious ideology, if any?
46. Is there anything you would change about yourself?
47. What has helped shape your current political stance and principles?
48. What are some of the things that you are most grateful for?
49. When was the last time you cried?
50. What does a perfect day look like to you?
51. Are there any people, from friends to relatives, you want to get closer to? Why?
52. Do you trust me?
53. Are there any conflicts that we’ve had in the past that you don’t feel are wholly resolved yet?
54. Which family member did you admire most when you were young?
55. What is one thing you’ve appreciated in this past week?
56. What is one opportunity where I could have supported you better?
57. What does a balanced relationship look like to you?
58. What is your idea of a healthy relationship?
59. How often do you think it’s important to have these deep-dive conversations?
60. Is there anything about me that you don’t currently know but want to?
