For a romantic partner, it’s wonderful to find someone with whom you can share a comfortable silence. Someone who can sit by your side while you think, or not think. Someone you can just be present with. But, of course, you don’t want comfortable silence all the time. For those moments when you want to get closer through conversation, marriage-and-family therapist Dr. Patrice Le Goy, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., has helped us compile a list of questions to ask your partner.
Le Goy groups the questions into past, present, and future so you and your partner can get a better understanding of what has led each of you to where you are today and where you want to be in the future. “We try to do it in a way that’s not judgmental, just really curious to understand what has led up to this point in your life,” she says. “There is no right or wrong answer.”
While these questions are helpful tools for learning more about your partner, Le Goy cautions that you should be open to receiving answers you may not want to hear. “Know if you can handle the answer,” she says. “And know that you’re willing to answer the same question, if you’re asked, honestly.”
So if you have been curious about everything from your partner’s childhood to their stance on aliens, here are 62 questions you can pose to them.
Past
1. Which five words would you use to describe your childhood?
2. What things (if any) about your parents’ relationship do you want to have in ours?
3. What things about your parents’ relationship do you absolutely not want to have in ours?
4. Is there anything about your personality now that you think is significantly different from when you were a kid?
5. Are there friendships from your younger years that you wish you still had?
6. Who were your heroes growing up?
7. Which cartoon character did you have a crush on as a kid?
8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
9. What was your first serious relationship like?
10. What is your biggest regret?
11. Saddest memory from your childhood?
12. Happiest memory from your childhood?
13. If you could relive one day in your life, which day would you choose?
14. What is the most romantic place you’ve ever visited?
15. Have you ever been cheated on?
16. Have you ever cheated on anyone, and do you feel the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is true or false?
17. What is the best gift you’ve ever given a partner?
18. What is your favorite love song?
19. What is your favorite date-night movie?
20. What is something important you’ve learned from another couple?
21. What is a mistake you’ve made in a past relationship that you don’t want to repeat?
22. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Present
1. What are you happiest about or most proud of right now?
2. Are you living the life you thought you would have at this age?
3. What is the most surprising thing about this time in your life?
4. What do you think is your best attribute as a partner?
5. What is the No. 1 thing you look for in a partner?
6. What do you think the most important element is in maintaining a relationship?
7. Would you prefer to cook a romantic dinner or do the dishes?
8. How can you tell you’re really comfortable with someone?
9. When do you think is the right time to say “I love you”?
10. What part/s of our relationship do you find challenging?
11. What about our relationship is really working for you?
12. What is your favorite thing about me?
13. How important is physical intimacy to you?
14. How comfortable are you in your body?
15. Do you feel we’re well matched in our levels of desire for intimacy?
16. Is there anything about our sexual relationship you would like to be different?
17. How important is a traditional monogamous relationship to you?
18. Have you ever tried non-monogamy before, and if so, what was it like?
19. If you could snap your fingers and change one thing in your life, what would it be?
20. When do you find it really hard to be present?
21. Who makes you feel most accepted and celebrated?
22. Who makes you feel the opposite?
23. How happy are you in your career?
24. How do you feel about your finances?
25. Whom do you most admire in the world?
26. What is your favorite meal of all time?
27. Do you have any hidden talents?
28. If you could suddenly be very good at something without having to put any effort into it, what would it be?
29. Do you think aliens exist?
30. Do you believe in ghosts or spirits?
Future
1. What are you most looking forward to in the next ten years?
2. What are you most afraid of happening in the next ten years?
3. Is it important to you to get married?
4. How do you feel about having children?
5. If you want children, how many do you want?
6. If you want children, are you open to exploring methods such as adoption or surrogacy?
7. Which relationships would you like to be different in the future?
8. What career do you wish you could have?
9. If you could go to the moon, would you?
10. If you got a billion dollars tomorrow, what do you think your life would be like?
